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Hey First Years, You’ll Never Believe What Graduation Ceremonies Are Like

28/11/2021|So many views|
Look, we’re not kidding. Pictured above: a bunch of dorks.
Look, we’re not kidding. Pictured above: a bunch of dorks.

On the rare occasion that you, the reader, will be fortunate enough to graduate from McGill University, you will no doubt be excited to discover what your graduation ceremony will hold for you. Will there be comically large medieval weapons? Mushroom shaped hats? A flurry of free degrees being thrown at old white men for quizzical reasons? An assortment of colourful wizard's robes you paid 200$ to rent? The answer to all of these questions is obviously yes.

When your parents travel halfway across the world to watch you walk across a stage for 15 seconds, don’t fret that they might be bored for the remaining 4 hours, 59 minutes, and 45 seconds of the ceremony. Much entertainment is in store for them. Opening with a rousing performance of McGill's anthem, performed by the finest bagpiper on this side of the Atlantic, and a vocal performance from an opera singer, not a dry eye will be left in the audience as parents hear students sing along to the McGill national anthem they are so fondly aware of.

The liveliness continues as an elderly McGill alumni is called to the stage to inspire the next generation of bright minds in the best way possible: by bragging about how great he is. After his ego is sufficiently stroked (usually thirty minutes or so) the biggest nerd in your grade will try to convince herself, and everyone else present, that it was actually great not having any social interactions for the past 4 years and that it was a totally worthwhile tradeoff for her five minutes of fame.

You may mistakenly think that by this point you are fully graduated, but in reality, you are nothing until Big Suze whacks you with a ceremonial stick. This is why your parents took three international flights and seven buses to attend your graduation. This is why your 97 year old great grandmother risked dying from COVID. This is the happiest moment of your life. Do not understate the value of getting hit with the ceremonial stick.

So as you suffer for the next 4 years, remember that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. With a bit of hard work and luck, you too can don colourful robes and be hit with the ceremonial stick by Big Suze herself. And maybe some of you will enjoy it so much that you'll study another 5 years to do it again but with a mushroom hat.

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