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McGill Institutionalizes Hook-up Culture by Announcing Intent to Fuck Over as Many Students as Possible

Submitted by David Mickelson

November 1|So many views|
Members of the McGill administration congratulate each other after successfully fucking the student body.
Members of the McGill administration congratulate each other after successfully fucking the student body.

In what is proving to be a magnanimous decision, McGill has decided it intends to fuck as many students as possible this semester. As it stands currently, McGill has fucked over 90% of their student population, making other school’s body counts look pathetic in comparison. Though drawing criticisms for gaslighting during the MK Ultra period, people still head over to McGill only to be screwed in the most disappointing ways possible.

McGill has decided to institutionalize their hook up culture in a variety of ways, most notably by cancelling winter semester study abroad. In a recent Provost crypt, McGill stated they did this because they were “worried that students would get fucked over abroad in exotic and satisfying ways that we couldn't even dream of performing.” Following this, McGill voiced concerns about damage towards the school-student relationship that they had spent so long fostering. “Long distance just doesn’t work. No matter how hard, or creatively we fuck our students over zoom, it will never be the same as fucking them in person, or in a hybrid fashion.”

This comes as a dramatic change from just weeks before, when McGill spent all its time and money on fucking one student, Anouk D’Esposito. Anouk, in a surprise to everyone, because if she and McGill couldn’t make it work what chance do any of us have, transferred to Concordia last September. When pressed for comment, Anouk stated “Well of course McGill is fucking the whole school now that I’m gone, it was fucking me for so long that it probably wants to branch out and try new things. Sure it was nice to climb through 15 foot tall snow banks to go to class, or have all my classes at 8:30am and 10pm exclusively, or even to wait outside in subzero temperatures and have my lunch taken from me and dangled in front of me while a janitor called me a little piggy who couldn't wait just 5 more seconds to eat the food. But at the end of the day, that stuff just kind of gets stale and you have to find new institutions to fuck you over till you scream.” At the moment it doesn’t look like McGill’s fucking spree is going to end any time soon, however it is kind of worth noting how much more it’s been fucking the Arts department than Desautels recently.

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