Rest in peace Parker. Source: Parker’s funeral photographer.
U0 student Parker Manning has died in the waiting room of the McGill clinic of old age, paramedics confirmed late Thursday.
Parker showed up at the clinic at 4:30am to beat the crowd, or so he thought. But when he arrived he found he was behind 325 students with chlamydia, gonorrhea, and every other sexually transmitted disease known to man. He decided he would wait for an appointment, a decision he regretted throughout the 82 years he spent in the waiting room.
“I kind of hoped my cold would pass by the time my appointment came” Parker croaked in an
exclusive interview with our reporters. “But every time the cold passed, another sick student would walk into the waiting room and infect me all over again”. When shaking his hand after our interview, we noticed he had gone limp and his pulse had stopped. Parker’s corpse was wheeled into the operating room, where 2nd year pre-med students frantically flipped through their notes, trying to figure out where the heart is. As a last resort, they tried to revive him with CPR, but they gave up when they remembered they had a midterm to study for.
Despite Parker’s passing, this month was fairly successful for the clinic. Only seventeen students died waiting for their appointments; an improvement from last month’s twenty casualties.
McGill has begun digging Parker’s grave on campus as a tribute, a task that will take Montreal construction workers 25 years to do.