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The McGill (Nightly)

McGill's Second Least Trusted News Source

Nine Tips for Campus Notoriety

August 25|A ton of views|
Bonus tip: forks and plates from the caf are free if you're sneaky enough
Bonus tip: forks and plates from the caf are free if you're sneaky enough

Hello, little Froshies! We at the Nightly give you a warm welcome to McGill University, an institution famous for its world-class academics, successful alumni, and heavy involvement in the MK-Ultra project. Coming to university is a big life change, and big life changes can be scary. But never fear, First Years! We've compiled a list of tips to help you get ahead, get noticed, and get hard. If you do everything on this list, people will be sure to remember you!

Here is the Nightly's Nine Tips for Campus Notoriety:

  1. Interrupt your professor on the first day of class. It's a rare student that can stand up in the middle of a lecture and correct their instructor on a subject they've been researching for fifteen years. It'll set you apart from your low-achieving peers and garner you a reputation without having to do all that much. Those groans you're hearing aren't irritation—it's frustration that they didn't come up with your idea first!
  2. If you are from New York City, Toronto, or Paris, tell everyone with ears that you're from New York City, Toronto, or Paris. Montreal's alright, but it's a second-tier city that doesn't have the je ne sais quois of these global centers of power. Everyone is sure to be impressed with your worldly air and existential ennui, and will overlook the fact that you're living exclusively on your parents' money and are actually really obnoxious as a person.
  3. Sleep with your TA. Guaranteed higher grades, and you'll get invited to all the grad student parties, where you'll meet cool, older people who talk about all the cool, older people parties they're going to and the stuff they're researching and how McGill is overworking and underpaying them and how rent has skyrocketed since COVID and whether or not they should pay for hot water or groceries this month and…oh, God, is this what I have to look forward to?
  4. Plug your hair dryer and electric kettle into the same outlet and run them both at the same time. A busy student's got to learn to multitask, and if your grindset shorts the entire floor of your rez and plunges it into darkness, that's on half-century-old circuitry and shoddy construction, not you.
  5. Argue with the mean checkout lady at the RVC caf. Her tyranny has been backing up the checkout line for too long, and it's about time someone put her in her place! You should be able to pay with a debit card at the cash. It is your right.
  6. Argue with the bouncer at Musique. It's dark out and the light's not really great, anyway. How the Hell is he going to tell you that your ID is fake?
  7. Text your ex. This is just a generally good idea. Trust me.
  8. Drunkenly sing the Star-Spangled Banner as loud as you can. This is a great way to make new friends, especially if you're an American. Canadians love that good ol' Yankee selfconfidence, and will come over to you to tell you about it! To seal the deal, also talk about the 'American discount' and how Fahrenheit is so much more intuitive than Celsius.
  9. Steal a traffic cone. It's a rite of passage.

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