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Redpath, McLennan Libraries to Mandate Bark Collars for Noisy Students

March 23|Lots of views|
The best solution to the problem, no bones about it
The best solution to the problem, no bones about it

Library staff unanimously passed a motion requiring all students in common study spaces to wear PetSafe anti-noise gear. The decision was reached after they compared recordings of the second floor of Redpath on a Wednesday night with the lorikeet exhibit at the Denver Zoo and could not tell the difference.

"It was out of control," said Jennifer Beale, a library clerk. "The new measures are far better than what we were doing before, which was nothing. Approaching a twenty-person gang of U0 girls and telling them to pipe down a little is extremely awkward and makes you seem like a killjoy. We don't want students to be killjoys—that's our job."

In a break from McGill administrative convention, a considerable amount of thought and care went into the decision to use bark collars over other methods of noise control.

"Our approach is very humane," said the Head Librarian. "Standard bark collars give an electric shock to dogs who make vocalizations above a certain decibel level. The devices we'll be using vibrate instead of shock, which is uncomfortable for the wearer but not painful. We don't want to add additional stressors to students; the Canadian Mental Health Association has reported that simply entering McLennan is a traumatic experience on par with being in a hostage situation."

The move is not without its detractors; several community members who frequent the library have criticized staff for not doing more to maintain a peaceful environment.

"They should have gone with our original proposal," said Lena Han, who, along with several others, has been posting passive-aggressive callouts on Reddit in an attempt to resolve the problem. "Anybody who does so much as crinkle a candy wrapper should be put in the stocks and have tomatoes thrown at them. This is only going to make the atmosphere worse."

In addition to bark collars, library staff will also be enforcing quiet by bringing back Covid enforcers and arming them with spray bottles. They will spritz offenders in the face and shout, ‘No! Bad! Stop it!' in the hopes that the unpleasant sensation of being misted with cold water will encourage students to be quieter.

"If none of these ideas work, we're just going to give up," said the Head Librarian. "We're having enough trouble keeping people from pooping in the study rooms."

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