Anglophone Becomes Fluent in French In Order to More Effectively Curse Out Her Landlord
September 20|So many views|
Non, je n'ai pas relu le français. Je suis paresseux comme de la merde
Ontario native Emily Hamilton will be taking her TEFaQ exam next month, after only having started learning French in February. If she passes, she will be considered fluent. Her secret to success? Vengeance on her landlord.
"He pretends not to speak English when we tell him about problems with the apartment," said roommate Maddy Baker. "He definitely does, because he told us all about growing up in Winnipeg when we met with him to sign the lease. So Emily has decided to beat him at his own game."
Hamilton, Baker, and third roommate Sophie Yin live on the second floor of a triplex in the Plateau. As gorgeous as the apartment is, with its iconic death-trap staircase and historic lead-paint wallpaper, they say that the problems overshadow its beauty.
"The heat broke during a really bad cold snap last winter, and he left us on read for days," Yin said. "We had to team up with the hockey boys that rent the third-floor apartment and break into the basement. When we got down there, we found that he'd sold the furnace and had replaced it with a hair dryer duct-taped on the high setting."
After months of pipe leakages, insect and rodent infestations, and dinners with George, the handyman who lets himself in and waits around awkwardly in the entryway until someone makes him a plate, the trio decided to get smart.
Emily's in charge of texting him, Sophie's in charge of documenting everything, and I'm in charge of learning Quebec tenant law," said Baker. "It's been really challenging, but I've learned so much. Like did you know, it's illegal to evict a tenant for the purpose of building a koi pond in their room without six months' notice? He doesn't even pay for the fish food."
"And we've really been seeing results," Yin added, "Once she messaged him 'ta mère aurait dû t'avaler,' he finally fixed the gaping hole in the bathroom floor."
Hamilton now speaks French full time, because, in her words, "on ne sait jamais quand ce bâtard de rat devra être remis à sa putain de place.
"Un jour, je le rencontrerai dans la rue," she continued, "Je vais le fendre de la gorge au ventre et bourrer son corps encore saignant de son putain de poisson. Il paiera pour ce qu'il a fait. Il paiera."
