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Student Attends Online Frosh, Has Fun

September 6|Lots of views|

This is what fun looks like. Source: Everyone on Earth.

Gleefully hopping from the overcrowded discord server to Pretend to Discover McGill Day, to zoom drinking games, U0 student Gilbert Harris had fun attending online frosh, sources confirmed. Gilbert showed up for Olympic Frosh decked out in athletic clothes, doing dynamic stretches, blissfully unaware that Frosh themes mean absolutely nothing.

Harris made several friends at the events, quickly finding out that the best way to get to know people is by staring at a mosaic of anonymous muted faces. He reportedly said this was the best $150 he had ever spent, after the 150 dollars he paid in athletic facility improvement fees. Frosh leaders assured first years that the money would be well worth it for online Beach Day, insisting the event would be ‘virtually the best day of your lives’. Attendees were subsequently sent a sandbox filled with empty Palm Bay cans and urine, perfectly capturing the Beach Day experience.

Overall, the transition to online Frosh was smooth. O-staff’s responsibilities shifted seamlessly from creepily hanging around a party full of first years to creepily hanging around a zoom call full of first years. O-staff were quick to adapt, racking up 16 allegations of sexual harassment over nothing but discord servers.

“I admire our school’s resilience and willingness to adapt during these trying times”, Big Suze commented whilst receiving Shiatsu massages at her Aruba estate. She then explained how important it is for students to still be paying full tuition in order to give them the best possible experience. Reporters then saw her making a withdrawal from the McCall-McBain fund to pay for her massage.

At press time, Gilbert was having fun in his Zoom classes.
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