Big Suze Reinstates Exchange After Realizing Her Belize Estate is Outside Canada
07/11/2021|A ton of views|
The west wing of Big Suze’s estate. Source: a non-Canadian photographer
After realizing her lavish Belize estate is indeed located outside of Canada, Big Suze announced that McGill exchange programs will resume this winter without further ado. In her statement announcing the news, she mentioned that “student wellbeing is a top concern, and there’s nothing better for student wellbeing than me receiving state of the art spa care at a tremendous estate on a private island twice the size of Montreal for the length of an entire semester. On an unrelated note, I would like to take a chance to thank the McCall-McBain family for their generous donation to the McGill endowment fund.”
When asked about why Big Suze took so long to reinstate exchange programs, she convincingly explained “my private jet has tinted windows, I had no way to know that my flight to my Belize estate was even leaving Canada. “The flight was about as long as the flight to the Mac Campus, and that’s in Canada, right? That’s not in Cancun, is it?” the principal explained.
Big Suze was even happier to learn that the policy change brought no joy, as most students were no longer to go on exchange, seeing as the universities they were exchanging with had a strict “"no take-backsies" policy with regard to cancelling exchange. "We really strive to hit the right balance of completely screwing over students while appearing to do the right thing, and I think we really hit the sweet spot on this one", she added.
Despite McGill’s back and forth on the issue of exchange, Concordia’s plans have held steady. This is mainly because all Concordia students are clamoring for an opportunity to get the fuck out of Concordia, and for many, the only reason they applied was to be able to leave for exchange. Student Oskar Costa, the only student to willingly come to Concordia on exchange, was named Concordia valedictorian as soon as he stepped off the plane, owing to his sterling 2.8 GPA.
At press time, Concordia renamed their exchange program the “Study Abroad and Return Quickly” program because students were just not coming back.