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The McGill Nightly

McGill's Second Least Trusted News Source

Campus One Upgrades Meal Plan to Dog Food, Students Ecstatic

October 3|Lots of views|
Students can barely hold back their paws from this delicious food. Source: Student on parole from Campus One
Students can barely hold back their paws from this delicious food. Source: Student on parole from Campus One

Inmates at the Campus One Penitentiary were ecstatic to learn that the food on the meal plan was being upgraded to Grade-B dog food, the Nightly’s reporters confirmed last Monday at dinnertime. This change, along with the cages that students of Campus One live in, further prepared the building for its eventual rebranding as “Kennel One”.

“We’ve been taking big strides to increase the quality of life here at Campus One”, the warden said in an interview with the Nightly. “On top of upgrading their meal plan to this delicious dog food, we’ve increased yard time to 40 minutes a day. We’ve also doubled our inmates’ cell size to 30 square feet. And we only needed to charge an additional $5000 a month to realize these improvements!” Campus One also decided to decrease their prices significantly to just $60 per bowl of food, another decision met with euphoria among the prisoners.

The residence went so far as to hire world class dog food consultant Cesar Milan to head the cafeteria operations. Campus One also started to provide world-class cooking ingredients for those who want to cook their own meals. However, they have yet to be used as no first years have any clue how to cook.

The benefits of the aforementioned upgrades are already significant. Instances of pop-up fight clubs were down 100% from last year, and a similar decrease was seen in illicit gambling at the Floor 11 casino.

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