Inmates at the Campus One Penitentiary were ecstatic to learn that the food on the meal plan was being upgraded to Grade-B dog food, the Nightly’s reporters confirmed last Monday at dinnertime. This change, along with the cages that students of Campus One live in, further prepared the building for its eventual rebranding as “Kennel One”. “We’ve been taking big strides to increase the quality of life here at Campus One”, the warden said in an interview with the Nightly. “On top of upgrading their meal plan to this delicious dog food, we’ve increased yard time to 40 minutes a day. We’ve also doubled our inmates’ cell size to 30 square feet. And we only needed to charge an additional $5000 a month to realize these improvements!” Campus One also decided to decrease their prices significantly to just $60 per bowl of food, another decision met with euphoria among the prisoners. The residence went so far as to hire world class dog food consultant Cesar Milan to head the cafeteria operations. Campus One also started to provide world-class cooking ingredients for those who want to cook their own meals. However, they have yet to be used as no first years have any clue how to cook. The benefits of the aforementioned upgrades are already significant. Instances of pop-up fight clubs were down 100% from last year, and a similar decrease was seen in illicit gambling at the Floor 11 casino.

Campus One Upgrades Meal Plan to Dog Food, Students Ecstatic

In a meeting of the McGill board of directors, the academic advisor position was moved to be phased out in a vote of 8 to 1. "All they did was look up your question word for word on the internet, so after finding out Google was invented 2 decades ago we have decided to cut out the middle man." McGill said in a statement released recently. "In order to continue the good service our students have grown accustomed to, the lines will still be excruciatingly long and students will still leave more confused than ever." 

To make sure the academic advisors aren't missed, the computers at the advising office will have three pre-recorded statements, "Hi, sorry for the wait","Do what's best for you", and "I'm totally unqualified for this". The third statement will only be muttered under the computer's breath in between appointments. 

All academic advisors have been reassigned to work at the “Service” Point, where their skill in not providing service will be used to great effect.
Computers also applied to the Service Point, but were denied due to their efficiency. 

At press time, AGSEM was campaigning to get the computers paid 27$ an hour plus full dental and health insurance.

Academic Advisors to Be Phased Out Following Invention of Google, Internet

Ontario native Emily Hamilton will be taking her TEFaQ exam next month, after only having started learning French in February. If she passes, she will be considered fluent. Her secret to success? Vengeance on her landlord. "He pretends not to speak English when we tell him about problems with the apartment," said roommate Maddy Baker. "He definitely does, because he told us all about growing up in Winnipeg when we met with him to sign the lease. So Emily has decided to beat him at his own game." Hamilton, Baker, and third roommate Sophie Yin live on the second floor of a triplex in the Plateau. As gorgeous as the apartment is, with its iconic death-trap staircase and historic lead-paint wallpaper, they say that the problems overshadow its beauty. "The heat broke during a really bad cold snap last winter, and he left us on read for days," Yin said. "We had to team up with the hockey boys that rent the third-floor apartment and break into the basement. When we got down there, we found that he'd sold the furnace and had replaced it with a hair dryer duct-taped on the high setting." After months of pipe leakages, insect and rodent infestations, and dinners with George, the handyman who lets himself in and waits around awkwardly in the entryway until someone makes him a plate, the trio decided to get smart. Emily's in charge of texting him, Sophie's in charge of documenting everything, and I'm in charge of learning Quebec tenant law," said Baker. "It's been really challenging, but I've learned so much. Like did you know, it's illegal to evict a tenant for the purpose of building a koi pond in their room without six months' notice? He doesn't even pay for the fish food." "And we've really been seeing results," Yin added, "Once she messaged him 'ta mère aurait dû t'avaler,' he finally fixed the gaping hole in the bathroom floor." Hamilton now speaks French full time, because, in her words, "on ne sait jamais quand ce bâtard de rat devra être remis à sa putain de place. "Un jour, je le rencontrerai dans la rue," she continued, "Je vais le fendre de la gorge au ventre et bourrer son corps encore saignant de son putain de poisson. Il paiera pour ce qu'il a fait. Il paiera."

Anglophone Becomes Fluent in French In Order to More Effectively Curse Out Her Landlord

To the surprise of absolutely no one, McGill once again rejected the pleas of students crippled by assignments and midterms by not allowing a fall reading week. Despite students passing 36 SSMU referendums by a majority of over 95%, McGill sided with seven nerds who ran the official anti-reading week campaign.

These seven students tabled relentlessly in McLennan Library, relishing the sounds of despair and panic attacks as students struggled to finish their five group projects, two essays, and 17 webworks. The nerds managed to finish all their coursework during add-drop period, allowing them more time to run the campaign. 

The consensus that McGill students do not need a fall reading week was agreed upon enthusiastically by the prestigious McGill Administration, a bunch of old people who know exactly what it is like to be a student today. 

At the campaign’s victory party, the kids were seen salivating for an alarming two straight hours, thinking about the long lectures they would be attending while other schools were enjoying drinking and debauchery on the beach somewhere. Big Suze was seen stumbling drunkenly around the victory party, muttering something about agreeing to implement a fall reading week if 400 more referendums are voted on by the student body. 

At press time, no one cared that much because no one goes to class.

Anti Fall Reading Week Campaign Wins by a Landslide Minority

In a Facebook post celebrating their new world university ranking of 49th (completely oblivious they fell from 35th last year) McGill posted a gorgeous photo of the campus.
Upon seeing the photo, the entire student body collectively asked “When the hell was this taken?”

Students were wildly confused by the presence of grass on lower field, which in real life is a muddy swamp inhabited by seagulls and quidditch players. 
Next to the grassy field a striking absence of construction continued to befuddle the students as they wondered whether this was actually their campus, or the fabled wonderland “Harvard” everyone keeps talking about. 

The students’ confusion quickly turned to outrage when they noticed clear signs of photoshopping in the picture, such as smiling students, a sight which no McGillian had ever seen before. 
Moreover, the McGill ghetto was visible in the background of the photo, where sober students can be seen eating food that isn’t Chef on Call.
And finally, as if to rub salt in our wounds, the photoshoppers included a sanitary samosa sale, inaccurate for more reasons than one. 

At press time, Concordia University posted their propaganda drone photo, a photo of the real McGill. 


Beautiful Drone Photo Of McGill Begs Question, "When The Hell Was This Taken?"

After realizing her lavish Belize estate is indeed located outside of Canada, Big Suze announced that McGill exchange programs will resume this winter without further ado. In her statement announcing the news, she mentioned that “student wellbeing is a top concern, and there’s nothing better for student wellbeing than me receiving state of the art spa care at a tremendous estate on a private island twice the size of Montreal for the length of an entire semester. On an unrelated note, I would like to take a chance to thank the McCall-McBain family for their generous donation to the McGill endowment fund.” When asked about why Big Suze took so long to reinstate exchange programs, she convincingly explained “my private jet has tinted windows, I had no way to know that my flight to my Belize estate was even leaving Canada. “The flight was about as long as the flight to the Mac Campus, and that’s in Canada, right? That’s not in Cancun, is it?” the principal explained. Big Suze was even happier to learn that the policy change brought no joy, as most students were no longer to go on exchange, seeing as the universities they were exchanging with had a strict “"no take-backsies" policy with regard to cancelling exchange. "We really strive to hit the right balance of completely screwing over students while appearing to do the right thing, and I think we really hit the sweet spot on this one", she added. Despite McGill’s back and forth on the issue of exchange, Concordia’s plans have held steady. This is mainly because all Concordia students are clamoring for an opportunity to get the fuck out of Concordia, and for many, the only reason they applied was to be able to leave for exchange. Student Oskar Costa, the only student to willingly come to Concordia on exchange, was named Concordia valedictorian as soon as he stepped off the plane, owing to his sterling 2.8 GPA. At press time, Concordia renamed their exchange program the “Study Abroad and Return Quickly” program because students were just not coming back.

Big Suze Reinstates Exchange After Realizing Her Belize Estate is Outside Canada

Tastefully noting the similarity between the name of a popular beer and the pandemic ravaging the world, local student Steven Francis caused the whole world to laugh uncontrollably as he posted a blurry picture of a bottle of Corona, captioned simply, “guess I’m gonna die now.” Steven’s creative and original joke brought many people out of a deep depression caused by weeks of social isolation, proving that blurry pictures of Corona bottles on white guys’ Snapchat stories is still totally hilarious.

Steven’s picture captured the perfect angle and lighting of the bottle, making this joke as uproarious as it was all 2 million times other people made it. The joke is so consistently funny that our reporters fear that use of this joke will only add to the virus’ death toll as millions of innocent victims die of laughter. 

In a subsequent statement, Director-General of WHO Tedros Adhanom said, “the virus is a very serious thing; however, since laughter is the best medicine, Steve Francis is the world’s best doctor. Sit back, enjoy a Corona (Beer), and laugh at the joke that never gets old.”

At press time, the novel Budweiservirus infected patient zero in Germany, paving the way for a new genre of jokes that will never get old.

Blurry Pictures of Corona Bottles On White Guys' Snapchat Stories Still Totally Hilarious

Although people who met him during frosh thought he was "kind of cool", they were quickly proven wrong when U0 management student Chad Quincy (an avid Zeta Psi member) showed up to the first class of BUSA 250 wearing a suit and talking incessantly about Jordan Belfort.

Quincy spent his first few weeks at McGill adding everyone he met on LinkedIn, joining the executive board of every club on campus, and relentlessly mocking arts students. 

    For the winter semester, Quincy has decided to end his McGill ghetto lease early and live full time in the Bronfman Building, where he will survive off a sustenance of profit margins and Excel spreadsheets. 

      At press time, he was spotted mocking a kindergartner, making fun of the child’s course load of shapes and colours, saying the child would “never get a job in the real world.”

BREAKING: Management Student Huge Douchebag

The McGill Nightly announced its new policy that it will no longer be accepting paid sponsorships, sources from the McGill Nightly confirmed. The editor of the Nightly made the announcement while wearing a super-cool, ultra comfortable Nightly X Chef on Call crewneck sweater. In an exclusive email interview with the Nightly, they said, "Here at the Nightly, we like to keep our content fresh, fresh like the delicious food served at Chef on Call. For this reason, we will no longer be accepting sponsored articles. Unlike lowbrow publications in Montreal, such as our proud sponsors MTLBlog and the McGill Daily, we at the Nightly hold ourselves to higher standards. Although we would love to tell our readers about how comfortable our new Chef X Nightly Sweaters are, we recognize it would be completely immoral for us to tell you they are the coolest sweaters ever. We mean, you wouldn't believe how funny and relevant the content at www.mcgillnightly.ca is, or how delicious the food at Chef on Call is. And unfortunately you never will, because we can’t tell you.” We reached out to real students to hear their opinions on the Nightly’s decision. In an interview with U1 student Amanda Collins, she said, “Honestly, it’s kind of weird that they don’t want to promote their top-notch crewneck collab with Chef on Call, but to each their own. Also, it’ll be weird when the Nightly will be the only influencers I follow who will never claim to absolutely love their RayCons!” It is rumoured that the announcement will cost the Nightly millions of dollars, as they are ultra-popular and a highly sought after advertisement platform. However, the McGill Nightly team was too busy eating juicy Chef on Call burgers and crispy Chef on Call Fries to check their balance sheets. When reached out to for additional comment, the editor of the Nightly was too busy taking advantage of Chef On Call’s amazing 4/20 deal of $1 chicken tenders (using promo code TENDERBENDER) to reply.

BREAKING: McGill Nightly Announces They No Longer Accept Paid Sponsorships

SSMU wrighted Jordan Wrong in a major way as they called for his resignation due to his decision to go on a free trip to France, the McGill Delit bleakly reported. Despite the board of directors unanimously agreeing that no conflict of interest was involved, SSMU councillors decided to personally target Jordan because their main job is to solve complex geo-political issues, not run the school.

SSMU had an emergency meeting to discuss the situation. There were only 2 hours of content initially, but SSMU’s totally necessary formalities extended the meeting from 2 hours to an astounding 42 hours. Their livestream had a record viewership of three, tripling the usual numbers. The meeting finally ended in an 11-9 vote on the topic against Jordan. The nine councillors who voted in Jordan’s favor were seen tiptoeing out of the meeting with free plane tickets to France occupying their pockets. 

The entire fiasco would have been avoided had it not been for the beloved napkin company ‘The McGill Daily’. They had written an article bashing the “propaganda trip”, tying the trip's funding to Napoleon Bonaparte, Joan of Arc, Edouard Phillipe, and every other french person with a net worth of above $100 million. They continued on to insist that this was “totally not Anti-Frenchitism”. 

We took our reporters to interview le-Hîllél about the trip. They insisted that the completely free, all expenses paid trip was "not a bribe at all" while simultaneously sliding them a briefcase full of baguettes and snails under the table. In the interest of full disclosure, we should note that our reporters happily took the bribe. 

French students, alumni, and donors gave the McGill administration more complaints than it had ever received about anything else in history. Unfortunately, this was the one time the administration had actually done nothing wrong. This incident was yet another example of the student’s society’s long history of persecuting French students, such as their targeting of Jean-Jacques Noah Lou in 2017. 

To show their unwavering support for Jordan, McGill’s French student community opted to make a ‘Smoke In Solidarity’ campaign, encouraging students who supported Jordan to smoke cigarettes to show their support. As of yesterday, the French community boasts 100% engagement, with the percentages set to hit 120% as the French compete to outsmoke each other in an astounding show of support.

More updates will come as the story breaks, although they will come in a delay as all our writers are on free trips to France.

BREAKING: SSMU Ousts Student Over "Propaganda Trip" to France

Two U0 McGill students, Tyler McCall MacBain and Tyler McCall MacBain, were expelled on Monday following their founding of an underground fight club, our sources confirmed. The reasons for expulsion given by the McGill Administration was, “Encouraging violence in the McGill community, putting students at risk for catching the virus, and breaking rules one and two of Fight Club. Rumors also circulated that illegal samosa sales were taking place at the event."

The administration was initially compliant with the idea of a fight club, with some members of the faculty even attending the meetings themselves. But once Lord Reverend Vice Associate Provost Fabrice Lebeau was beaten by Maxime from RVC, emails in cryptic English were quickly sent out to McGill, urging them to expel Tyler and Tyler. This cancelled all other scheduled fights, including Igor Sadikov’s lifetime dream of fighting a Zionist.

Tyler and Tyler were not extremely well liked by the students. Both Tylers lived for months in an empty Solin Hall, which is just as disgusting as the house in the movie. Many said Tyler had an odd tendency to refer to himself as third person body parts, such as, “I am the McGill Administration’s non-existent sense of morality.”

The events were not without casualties, however. One student was beaten nearly to death by a rabid RVC resident, but was quickly revived by the “basic first aid” provided by Tyler and Tyler.
SSMU was tipped off about the casualties from the club, but they were too busy planning Sweet Potato Awareness Month to do anything.

At press time, the RVC floor 11 Casino was shut down by the police.

BREAKING: Two McGill Students Expelled for Creation of Fight Club

Additionally, there is nothing out of the ordinary to report.

BREAKING: Weather Beautiful Today, That's It

Police and paramedics were called to the scene when Canada Post was able to successfully deliver a package for the first time since March 2020, the Nightly confirmed Tuesday. The package was successfully delivered to the McCall MacBain Arts building, and was met with such awe that students left all their arts building classes to go witness the historic event. Canada Post had been struggling to deliver packages successfully ever since implementing their “due to COVID-19” package policy, which allowed workers to take any packages they wanted whenever they wanted. The Nightly sent out a letter requesting comment from Canada Post, but of course it wasn’t delivered. McGill quickly brought in a bomb squad to destroy the suspiciously successfully delivered packaging, insisting that a package this efficiently handled was simply “too good to be true” and therefore had to be a bomb. McGill closed the arts building for the next 7 hours, and tweeted to everyone that they were closed due to a “suspicious package”, just so everyone would know how cool they are. The flood of publicity McGill got as a result was just enough to steer attention away from the fact that its global university rankings fell another 42 spots this year. This wasn’t the only act of violence McGill staged this week. After the great success of the box prank, McGill decided to stage its own stabbing as well last Saturday to up its publicity. "This week was just what we needed" Big Suze confided in an exclusive interview with the Nightly. "Western had been hogging all the national attention with its series of crimes. It's very important for us to be front and centre in the news, because our reputation as the best school in Canada is completely dependent on people not remembering there are other schools in Canada." At press time, McGill was staging the kidnapping of James McGill’s statue, presumably to get more attention.

Canada Post Successfully Delivers Package for First Time Since March 2020; McGill Loses Mind

A McGill Provost email sent the Friday before Reading Week includes a letter from the Dean regarding the discovery of asbestos on the Macdonald Campus. "We hope this reaches all of you while you are otherwise distracted," the letter begins. "That’s the best way to announce policy changes that are sure to be unpopular." The letter continues, "We care deeply about the safety and comfort of our community members. It really hurts our feelings that you all would think that we don’t. It’s only our inaction and apathy regarding injustices perpetrated on the vulnerable that make you guys think we’re terrible. That’s not cool! It’s not our fault that the university has been taking advantage of people since its founding, and since it’s not our fault, we’re not going to do anything to stop it. "But to prove how invested we are in McGill, we are mandating that all students, non-tenured faculty, and staff be coated in a thin film of asbestos by the end of the winter semester. Not only are the dangers of asbestos all in your head, but we also really love you guys. We’re doing this for you. Board members and administrators won’t get the asbestos treatment, though, just FYI." Reception to this letter has been mixed; many students have expressed ambivalence toward the new mandate. "If I die, I die," said Ben Xie. "I just assume I’ll drop dead when I turn forty. I’ve only got nineteen years before that happens. Mesothelioma isn’t really one of the things I’m most worried about." Others are more worried about financial setbacks. "The Principal himself could give me a little asbestos-y smooch, with tongue, and I’d be okay with it as long as he compensated my tuition," said Irene Gambino-Gould, an international student from Westchester, New York. A large number of students, however, have expressed anger and concern, citing the large body of research that shows exposure to asbestos fibers is debilitating to human health. In response to the backlash, the Dean is hosting an online town hall next Tuesday to deflect community members' questions and to take down the names of dissenters, who may later accidentally fall out of windows. It is speculated that a ban on Brita filters will also be announced at the event, ‘because everyone knows that people who don’t consume lead are wusses.’

Dean Rules All Students and Staff to be Dusted With Asbestos, As a Treat

Blood spattered the walls of McLennan Library as fights to the death for prime time desks have begun, our critically injured reporters barely managed to confirm.
Usually a routine biannual occurrence, the war this year has intensified due to Shulich Library being closed for renovations. This forced thousands of deskless science students to cross campus and join in the bloodshed.The mightiest of the science students (a 5 foot 10 senior weighing 140 pounds) led the students into battle valiantly until he was stepped on by a varsity athlete trying to figure out what this ‘library’ thing is.

Nerds who had lived at their precious desks since add-drop period were among the many students mercilessly ousted from their spots by evil oppressors. Among the oppressors were the McGill Daily’s editors, who immediately issued ‘desk acknowledgements’ after stealing desks so it would be totally acceptable.

The mindless murder and chaos was particularly challenging for first year students, who have never experienced McGill finals before. They rushed to the de-stress station to distract themselves from the war, only to realize a 10,000 piece puzzle of the open ocean is actually more stressful than finals. They decided to flee through the Redpath Library exit, but soon perished not from the war but from the deafening noise the doors subsequently emitted. 

At press time, the 6th floor of McLennan was completely empty because everyone is too lazy to climb stairs or wait for the elevator.


Fights to the Death for Prime Time Desks in McLennan Library Have Begun

First year student Samatha Cunningham had a moment of clarity late Saturday night, as she realized that instead of developing a full-fledged personality, she can just join a sorority. Samantha was previously making friends with nice people who she liked and shared interests with, but after just two rush events she realized how she had been wasting her time. Samantha’s relative lack of interesting qualities and inability to make conversation that was not gossiping made finding new friends a challenge for her. But once she realized she could just pay $2000 a year to buy 50 guaranteed friends, her social life was transformed. Like most young adults, Samantha realized that the best way to have fun was with strict structure and rules. She had previously been wasting an astounding amount of free time studying, hanging out with friends, and developing hobbies. However, once she joined the sorority, she was instead able to participate in 6 four hour meetings a week with girls that she hates with a passion. Despite being rejected from all 6 prestigious American schools she applied to, Samantha was happy that all of the sorority sisters had the exact same experience, and had even gotten rejected from the same 6 schools. Samantha insisted, “Greek life at McGill is exactly the same as it is on American campuses. No. it’s better!”, in an unprompted interview with our reporters. Despite her claims, however, a McGill Nightly survey found that three greek students living in the plateau were voted “Coolest Greek Life at McGill” by a wide margin. The Nightly isn’t the only place Ms. Cunningham made headlines. Samantha made international headlines earlier this week, when her barrage of 800 instagram posts of her sorority’s photo shoot singlehandedly crashed instagram and Facebook for multiple hours. At press time, first year Chad Johnson realized that instead of sexually assaulting people in a way that society frowned upon, he could just join a frat.

First Year Realizes that Instead of Developing a Personality, She Can Just Join a Sorority

When a large branch fell on Lower Field during the ice storm on Wednesday, the last thing Arts student Ryan Johnson expected to find was hidden treasure. "I was walking under the trees on purpose, hoping one would hit me," he said. "One had kind of dug into the ground and made a little hole. Something shiny was in there, and since I have no self-preservation instincts, I went over to look at it." Buried in the ground were gallon-sized Ziploc bags full of gold, doubloons, and printed NFT purchase receipts, all labeled 'INT'L TUITION - LAUNDERED' in Sharpie. There were twenty-six bags in total, each containing roughly $25,000 worth of loot. The discovery has called into question the administration's stewardship of student tuition, which everyone knew was mostly for the benefit of lining their own pockets. "A little embezzlement and ear-marking is to be expected," said Laura Rodriguez, "But burying my money in the ground? Like a squirrel? Put it into a pizza shop that's only open one day a month but makes the best pizza you've ever had." "This is a serious issue that, unfortunately, happens to be really common," said Andrea Hanes, a forensic accountant. "Institutions will charge thousands and thousands of dollars to attend, even though students will never see that money reinvested into the school. I am surprised McGill has gone for a pretty old-school method of hiding that money—most universities nowadays call it an endowment." The Nightly reached out to the office of the Provost and, wonder of wonders, received an answer. "We like to punish our students and staff for helping us become incredibly wealthy, but we're also really stupid," they said. "We didn't think that anybody would find it, since we've had trouble locating our own stashes in the past. We rely on construction projects to unearth them for us." With international tuition rates ballooning alongside inflation and rent increases, there is the possibility that these 'lost' caches have been found and quietly redistributed to community members. "Of course I kept a little," said Ryan. "How else am I going to pay for caf food?"

Freezing Rain Reveals Secret Stash of Student Tuition on Campus

There is a new meaning to the age-old proverb, “Old MacDonald had a farm”.

In a shocking turn of events, over 8,000 sweaty farmers in the faraway lands of Saint-Anne-de-Bellevue have claimed to be students of the prestigious McGill University. Even though McGill is approximately 10,000 kilometres eastwards, the dirty hillbillies pile into their tractors every morning and drive into town, where they pretend to attend classes and afford McGill tuition with the money they make peddling fresh asparagus. 

The Nightly sent reporters to investigate the claim, and found that the group has built model classrooms in their farmland, which act just like McGill classes. The university is even run by a model dean, the most revered of the townsfolk. Our reporter noted the farmers were already wearing halloween costumes, talking endlessly about a party that will ‘definitely convince McGill students we matter’.

Although our reporters could neither confirm nor deny the farmers’ outlandish claims, there is one thing we can all be sure of: these farmers are still more educated than your average Concordia student.

Group of Random Farmers in West Island Pretend to Be McGill Students

On the rare occasion that you, the reader, will be fortunate enough to graduate from McGill University, you will no doubt be excited to discover what your graduation ceremony will hold for you. Will there be comically large medieval weapons? Mushroom shaped hats? A flurry of free degrees being thrown at old white men for quizzical reasons? An assortment of colourful wizard's robes you paid 200$ to rent? The answer to all of these questions is obviously yes. When your parents travel halfway across the world to watch you walk across a stage for 15 seconds, don’t fret that they might be bored for the remaining 4 hours, 59 minutes, and 45 seconds of the ceremony. Much entertainment is in store for them. Opening with a rousing performance of McGill's anthem, performed by the finest bagpiper on this side of the Atlantic, and a vocal performance from an opera singer, not a dry eye will be left in the audience as parents hear students sing along to the McGill national anthem they are so fondly aware of. The liveliness continues as an elderly McGill alumni is called to the stage to inspire the next generation of bright minds in the best way possible: by bragging about how great he is. After his ego is sufficiently stroked (usually thirty minutes or so) the biggest nerd in your grade will try to convince herself, and everyone else present, that it was actually great not having any social interactions for the past 4 years and that it was a totally worthwhile tradeoff for her five minutes of fame. You may mistakenly think that by this point you are fully graduated, but in reality, you are nothing until Big Suze whacks you with a ceremonial stick. This is why your parents took three international flights and seven buses to attend your graduation. This is why your 97 year old great grandmother risked dying from COVID. This is the happiest moment of your life. Do not understate the value of getting hit with the ceremonial stick. So as you suffer for the next 4 years, remember that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. With a bit of hard work and luck, you too can don colourful robes and be hit with the ceremonial stick by Big Suze herself. And maybe some of you will enjoy it so much that you'll study another 5 years to do it again but with a mushroom hat.

Hey First Years, You’ll Never Believe What Graduation Ceremonies Are Like

It has been brought to our attention here at the Nightly that many of you had exciting summer plans lined up. Internships. Summer jobs. Getting laid. As you know, none of these will be available to you anytime soon. So instead, here are a few gigs and money-making opportunities you can still land this summer:
<ol><li>Start a podcast – Because out of all 7 billion people on Earth, your perspective is QUIRKY, and you should be HEARD.</li>
<li>Instagram challenges – Tell your followers about all your favorite obscure indie artists, like Mac Demarco or Rex Orange County.</li>
<li>Be a little self-aware and admit you have family money anyways (you know who you are).</li>
<li>Shit on people’s doorsteps if they’re out protesting the lockdown.</li>
<li>Work at the SQDC – You won’t get any discounts. But once you see the types of people who line up to buy weed, you might never want to get high again!</li>
<li>Run for President of the United States - Please. Anyone else. For the love of God. You don’t even need any skills or experience. But if you have skills/experience, you might want to.</li>
<li>Work for The McGill Nightly - Who knows? Send your CV to our email and we might let you do some mindless repetitive labour.</li></ol>

Job market dried up? Here are some projects to sink your teeth into this summer.

The Kansas City Chiefs cheered on as McGill University, also known as Laurent Duvernay-Tardif, won Super Bowl LIV. Laurent single-handedly won the Super Bowl for McGill, playing the entire game as the defensive line, offensive line, and kicker, and serving as team physician, because a little known fact about him is that he has a medical degree. Duvernay-Tardif sealed the game for McGill by catching an amazing 80 yard hail mary he threw to himself. With the historic win, McGill is now only 200 Super Bowl winning players away from tying any Division I American school. 

Among the excited fans was Big Suze, principal of McGill and now Super Bowl champion, as according to her. Despite reprimanding them for not changing their team name to ‘The Kansas City Varsity Team’, she excitedly emailed the Chiefs her ring size. To her dismay, they never received her email because she sent it via Minerva. 

President Trump’s tweet congratulating the state of Kansas for the victory was widely mocked by McGillians and non-Super Bowl winners alike, as everyone knows McGill is in Quebec, not Kansas. 

McGillians were quick to note that there were no Harvard alumni in the Super Bowl this year. Our guess is that Harvard alumni are too smart to draft to a league with more career ending concussions than players. Although Harvard Medical School seems to have a better understanding of brain trauma, at least McGill Medical School has the edge when it comes to teaching football. 

At press time, Big Suze was waiting at the Y intersection for the Chiefs’ victory parade to pass by.

Kansas City Cheers On as McGill Wins Super Bowl

Greatest football player of all time Laurent Duvernay-Tardif cost the McGill Chiefs a win in the Super Bowl Sunday night by selfishly sitting out in order to work in a stupid hospital, our sources confirmed. McGill administration members watched in horror as their dreams of a fundraising campaign focused on two-time Super Bowl champion LDT were shattered by a 43 year old who <a href="https://www.thecut.com/2018/02/tom-brady-kisses-son-superbowl-2018.html" target="_blank">kisses his son on the lips</a>. "Sure, it's nice of him to save lives, but what about his responsibility to save our 6 figure salaries? He didn’t get a Time magazine interview for nothing, you know” the esteemed McGill Principal said in a phone interview with our reporters. Clearly unbothered by notions of "honouring your contract” or “being a good teammate”, LDT spent his Sunday evening aggressively administering CPR to potential COVID patients. Of course, Tom Brady would only perform CPR on someone if that someone was his son, and his son was wiggling his tongue around in little circles. In an exclusive interview with the Nightly, LDT was remorseless about his self-centered move to leave his teammates hanging while he spent all year in the hospital. However, he expressed excitement for his return to the field next year, saying, "I'm just excited to get back to having my brain absolutely destroyed once a week. I can't wait to have my years of medical study and work slowly fade to irrelevance as my brain deteriorates from concussions and CTE. Also, these hospital patients are so bad at football. I tackled one of them once and now he’s on a respirator." Without LDT on the field, Tom Brady was able to easily win the game, rejuvenating himself between plays by sucking the life force out of his son's mouth. In the press conference after the game, Tom Brady said, “I really couldn’t have done it without the help of my family,” between french kissing his wife and his son but mostly his son. In the absence of reliable blocking from LDT, Patrick Mahomes left Super Bowl LV battered and bruised, but not as bruised as Tom Brady’s son’s neck, which was covered in hickies left by Tom Brady. At press time, the Chiefs were named Super Bowl LVI champs in anticipation of LDT’s return.

LDT robs McGill of Glory by Selfishly Sitting Out of Super Bowl to Work in a Stupid Hospital

Witnesses looked on in awe as a clearly non-inebriated man walked into the comfort food eatery Chef On Call late at night and ordered a salad. The order caused mass pandemonium in the kitchen, with multiple workers throwing melanges of vegetables into the deep-fryer, praying for this mysterious 'salad' to be created. 

Apparently, the only staff member educated in the art of salad making was not present, as he was stuck in the New Residence Hall lobby for 3 hours, waiting for a student to pick up their meal.

The manager eventually bought a salad from Freshii and repackaged it, a solution that caused the chaos to quickly subside. 

The McGill Nightly reached out to the chef for further comment, but he was not on call.

Man Walks Into 'Chef On Call' at 2AM, Orders Salad

Evil cackles were heard from the McGill administration’s ivory tower as they decided not to cancel classes despite 8 feet of snow, placing wagers on how many students and low-wage faculty members would die on their way to classes. Tears continued to stream down their faces as they sent out the mass email wishing 40,000 students luck in competing for survival on the way to class. 

Members of the administration were seen on campus that day, chortling as limp bodies slid down McTavish Street, piling up at the service point. 

“Big Suze was ahead most of the day with her bet on 25 students, but when that 6 foot icicle plummeted to the ground from the arts building onto that pile of U1 Psych students, I pulled ahead with my prediction of 50 casualties” the Deputy Provost said in an interview with the Nightly. The Nightly then asked him what the hell a provost is, but he was too busy provosting to answer.

The most cunning of the administration members were those who set midterms on the snow day, checking weather reports weeks in advance to confirm the risk levels were high enough. Other members of the administration threw water over all the curbs so students would fall and drown in those deep puddles of devastation on every curb. 

A real troll of an administration member completely divested McGills fossil fuel investments just for the snow day, so the climate’s temperatures would drop sharply, increasing his chance of winning his bet on 15,000 students perishing on the way to class.

To up his chances of winning the wager, the Vice Principal Student Life and Learning hopped into a sidewalk-snowplow and ironically mowed down a group of students walking peacefully down Milton street. Ambulances were called to save the life of popular student Amber McCarthy, who was injured in the incident, but the first responders were sensible people who didn’t work in 6 feet of snow. 

At the end of the day, the Secretary General had won with her bet of 162 dead students being spot on, but the results are contested as 84 of those deaths were routine food poisonings from the McGill cafs.

McGill Admin Doesn’t Cancel School Despite 8 ft. Snow, Places Bets on Student Death Count

The prestigious McGill administration, slightly confused about the meaning of divestment, ceased all funding of fossil fuel-based industries and have instead opted to spend the money on a fracking station in lower field. In an interview with The McGill Nightly, a spokesperson from the administration exclaimed, “We thought this was what you wanted! Can we not win with you people?” while simultaneously removing a plastic straw from their fur coat pocket and inserting it into their single-use plastic bottle of water.

Students who thought that finals were their biggest worry this week woke up to discover a tremor warning has been imposed upon McLennan Library. Despite this, people are still lining up at dawn to save seats in the library in order to call every person in their contact lists on the staircases.

McGill’s water is expected to be contaminated within a week due to the fracking. A member of the administration stated “We were hoping to blame the city council, since the lead levels in Montreal’s water are already comparable to that of Flint, Michigan. What more harm could a little fracking do?” Several students have already been hospitalised with lead poisoning. Unfortunately, the coroner's report was unable to determine if this was due to the water, or because the students had dined at the RVC Cafeteria.

In another effort to appease students and cease the relentless ‘Divest McGill’ complaints, the administration has built a massive mound of burning tires in place of Bishop Mountain Hall to provide heat to the upper residence residents. The SSMU promptly issued an enraged statement: “This is appalling behaviour from the McGill administration. We are disgusted to see a McGill body behave so irresponsibly. We would never behave with such disregard for the student body’s desires. This is the only recent scandal we should be angry about. Nothing else!”.

The situation has continued to deteriorate over the last few days. Protests broke out as Marty the Martlet’s limp body was found on lower field, soaked in oil. He was already declared ‘severely endangered’ by the Environmental Protection Agency, being the last of his once numerous species. With plans in place to start hunting the animals, and some of the students, of Mac campus, we must ask, when will the administration stop?

McGill Admin Drops Fossil Fuel Investments, Replaces them with Fracking on Lower Field

Students were euphoric as Vice-Provost Christopher Manfredi reluctantly announced that the Fall semester will be in person, and oh, also, if incoming freshmen could pay their tuition and non-refundable fees too, that would be swell. The email update from the prestigious McGill administration announced that “All buildings that do not net us an immediate profit by being open will be closed, because student wellbeing is a top concern for us. The cesspool that is Upper Rez, however, will remain open, because Upper Rez is where it’s at.” They continued their statement by saying, “Since supporting local businesses during these trying times is our top priority in addition to student wellbeing, we will be opening the Subway in the basement of the Arts building, but keeping the Arts building closed to keep students safe.” They also announced that spectators would be allowed back into varsity sports games, since fans have already been socially distancing from the games for years. At press time, every fourth year student was wondering whether there would be OAP.

McGill Announces Fall Semester in Person, Asks Incoming Freshmen to Pay Tuition Up Front

McGill administration members commended each other after greatly improving student wellbeing and mental health by renaming Saturday, Sunday and Canadian Thanksgiving to 'reading week'. They celebrated the achievement by renaming their six-figure salaries to seven-figure salaries and then actually changing it. 

Students had been taking extreme measures to push for change over the years, going so far as to attend SSMU meetings. Most McGill students were severely disappointed that the hour they spent on Zoom resulted in just two days of 'reading week'. However, SSMU members were ecstatic that the issue was finally resolved so they could return their focus to the real issues facing McGill students: Israel.

The McGill administration was quick to continue their kind acts by giving students 16 additional ‘reading weeks’, putting one between every Friday and Monday of the semester. They also retroactively renamed the two day winter break extension a ‘week long extension'.

At press time, RnB artist ‘The Weeknd’ was changing his name to ‘The Readng Week’.

McGill Changes Names of Saturday, Sunday, and Thanksgiving to "Reading Week"

In a bid to raise awareness about the ongoing climate crisis, the McGill Daily has decided to kill 10,000 trees to print 6,000 copies of their climate change special, a big hit among all 40 of its readers. 

“We printed thousands of pages and left them in a huge stack in the doorway of New Rez for people to glance at as they walk by. We even wrote a 10 page article about deforestation, which took an extra 2 dead trees per issue. What could have gone wrong?” the editors said in an exclusive interview with the Nightly. When asked about the fact that nobody reads newspapers anymore, especially student run ones, the editors just stared blankly.

At press time, 97% of the copies printed had been thrown into the garbage. However, 250 issues have been thrown in the compost, a small victory for the Daily.

McGill Daily kills 10,000 Trees to Print 6,000 Copies of Climate Change Special Issue

Following the upsetting decision of the Quebec health services to ban samosa sales on campus, the famed samosa napkin company The McGill Daily announced that it would cease all operations immediately. The McGill Daily had become the most popular samosa napkin on campus, differentiating itself by decorating its napkins with lies and unfunny jokes.

This news hit the student body especially hard, so we sent our reporters to interview some hungry students.
"Sure I could get the same samosas at pretty much any Indian restaurant in the city, but I don't think they would taste as good if I don't get to also read a grease stained article about how Movember is actually evil toxic masculinity", U2 student Samantha Carter explained in an interview with the Nightly. 

This news was especially disappointing for the varsity team renaming committee, who was about to announce the new name: ‘The McGill Samosas’. Following the hefty fine, however, the entire athletics program is expected to be bankrupted, a huge relief for the renaming committee.

At press time, the Quebec food safety inspector was seen running from the Burnside Hall basement with both hands full of samosas. 


Napkin Company 'McGill Daily' to Shut Down Following Ban of Samosa Sales

Following two straight years of the McGill Daily bitching about school being online, the McGill Daily got right back to bitching as they bitched about school being in person again. “Look at all these happy students, walking around campus and enjoying themselves. We have to ruin it immediately” the Daily’s editors remarked in an exclusive interview with the Nightly. The Daily even wrote an article quoting a bunch of students hating on in person classes. Coincidentally, these students had no last name, no program, and had eerily similar names to all of the McGill Daily editors. The McGill Daily editors continued to look on in horror as thousands of incoming freshmen at frosh had fun. They reminisced about the good old days of online frosh, where sensitivity training was three out of four of the days, and everybody was miserable. The McGill Daily then set up a Facebook group called “Survey Festival”, which they used to upload pictures and obsessively analyze them to try and identify and doxx students standing less than 6 feet apart at beach day. Even the miserable fucks on McGill Reddit were happy about in person school, but this had no impact on the Daily’s outlook. “The way we see it, if they're not miserable, they are not McGill students. Also, please read our great newspaper, our horoscopes are at least as accurate as our reporting” the Daily’s editors shilled. The only ones more devastated at the sight of the happy students was the prestigious McGill administration, who had plotted all summer to send increasingly cryptic emails so that even though school would be held in person, no one would find out. At press time, the McGill Daily was bitching about the McGill Nightly bitching about the McGill Daily.

McGill Daily Upset That Students are Happy Again

Despite our valiant efforts, the McGill Daily has won the title of ‘Funniest Satire Publication on Campus’. The Daily narrowly beat us to claim the coveted spot. In the same vote, SSMU was named ’Funniest Satire Government Institution’. 

The Daily was so admirably committed to their satirical tone that during our interview with them they continued to be their funny selves, giving us golden lines such as “No, we’re not a satire newspaper, we’re a real newspaper!” and “We cover issues accurately and in an unbiased fashion.” The Nightly indeed has much to learn from this brilliant satirical news outlet.

The Daily brings glee and cheer to every corner of campus, being such a funny newspaper that most students don’t even read it for fear that they die laughing. However, the Daily is funny enough that just glancing at the stack of unread papers in the basement of Shulich Library is enough to elicit laughter. The paper is so beloved that every McGill student happily opts to give the Daily $6 a year to keep this beacon of hilarity in their lives.

“The Konkordia Dayly” was also nominated for funniest satire, but was disqualified due to their excessive grammatical and spelling mistakes.

McGill Daily Voted Funniest Satire Newspaper on Campus

In a routine move of kindness and care for its student body, McGill's prestigious administration announced two reading weeks to occur back-to-back starting March 14. However, McGill didn’t issue the reading weeks immediately after the most recent one. Instead, they were kind enough to let all the students, who had just returned from all over the world from their first reading week, have time to see each other, kiss each other, shake hands, high five, hug, and make out before giving them their additional two reading weeks.

McGill's quick and decisive action to close the school for the two reading weeks preempted everyone except for a few small schools such as Harvard, Stanford, Columbia, NYU and the NHL. With this decision, McGill joins other organizations granting reading weeks, such as the NBA, who decided to give their players 16 back-to-back reading weeks, presumably for their players to brush up on all the playbooks. Italy even went so far as to give their entire population an indefinitely long reading week. 

McGill was so determined to give their students time off that they closed the library to ensure no one would even dare to study, one of the 17 Associate-Deputy-Vice-Provosts announced. As soon as the McGIll students on exchange heard about these sudden acts of kindness, they were so excited that they immediately flew back from their programs so they could enjoy the coveted reading weeks. 

At press time, the McGill administration was celebrating their altruism by drinking a popular mexican beer.

McGill Grants Two Back-to-Back Reading Weeks to Compensate for Fall Semester

In what is proving to be a magnanimous decision, McGill has decided it intends to fuck as many students as possible this semester. As it stands currently, McGill has fucked over 90% of their student population, making other school’s body counts look pathetic in comparison. Though drawing criticisms for gaslighting during the MK Ultra period, people still head over to McGill only to be screwed in the most disappointing ways possible. McGill has decided to institutionalize their hook up culture in a variety of ways, most notably by cancelling winter semester study abroad. In a recent Provost crypt, McGill stated they did this because they were “worried that students would get fucked over abroad in exotic and satisfying ways that we couldn't even dream of performing.” Following this, McGill voiced concerns about damage towards the school-student relationship that they had spent so long fostering. “Long distance just doesn’t work. No matter how hard, or creatively we fuck our students over zoom, it will never be the same as fucking them in person, or in a hybrid fashion.” This comes as a dramatic change from just weeks before, when McGill spent all its time and money on fucking one student, Anouk D’Esposito. Anouk, in a surprise to everyone, because if she and McGill couldn’t make it work what chance do any of us have, transferred to Concordia last September. When pressed for comment, Anouk stated “Well of course McGill is fucking the whole school now that I’m gone, it was fucking me for so long that it probably wants to branch out and try new things. Sure it was nice to climb through 15 foot tall snow banks to go to class, or have all my classes at 8:30am and 10pm exclusively, or even to wait outside in subzero temperatures and have my lunch taken from me and dangled in front of me while a janitor called me a little piggy who couldn't wait just 5 more seconds to eat the food. But at the end of the day, that stuff just kind of gets stale and you have to find new institutions to fuck you over till you scream.” At the moment it doesn’t look like McGill’s fucking spree is going to end any time soon, however it is kind of worth noting how much more it’s been fucking the Arts department than Desautels recently.

McGill Institutionalizes Hook-up Culture by Announcing Intent to Fuck Over as Many Students as Possible

Not a single person celebrated as two feet of reminder why we hate it here fell from the sky, reporters confirmed Tuesday morning. The harsh reminder fell for 12 straight hours, drilling home the point that international students made a mistake by coming here and local students made a mistake by staying here. 

No one would have been prepared for the blizzard had it not been for the city's most reliable news source, MTLblog. Their article “You Won’t Believe What Substance Will Be Covering Montreal” quickly and accurately warned about the blizzard 3 days after it happened so everyone could be prepared. The McGill Nightly tried to reach out for comment, but our staff couldn’t find the ‘Contact Us’ button amidst the sea of ads on their site.

Santa Claus himself was among the people quick to react to the storm. In a letter sent down the chimney of the Nightly’s offices, Santa said he would not be making it to Montreal for Christmas because “it’s just too damn snowy”. He continued on to ramble about high sales tax in Quebec crippling his profit margins and the Quebec government making him translate the names of all his reindeer to Jean-Jacques-Rudolph.

The harsh weather deterred the vast majority of people from leaving their shelter, except for those tourists who still made it outdoors in the blizzard to take dumb photos on McTavish Street. Cold students were also among those brave enough to leave the indoors, driven so far as to show up to class just for the superior heating systems. One student tried to attend his 8:30 class at McMed for this reason, tragically dying on the way up the hill from severe altitude sickness and frostbite. 

Another group negatively affected by the weather is the snowmen and snowwomen subject to various racially based torture, such as humans walking, driving, and urinating on their genetic material. However, the McGill Daily refused to endorse a ‘yes’ vote to the Snowmen Equity Fee, stating that snowmen benefit from white privilege. 

At press time, the Quebec health inspector was seen hiding in a mound of snow, waiting for a violation to pounce on.



McGill Receives Two Feet of Reminder Why We Hate it Here

The unfortunate reality is that arts students graduating this spring have little prospects for future employment. The majority of students will be blaming Covid for the lack of opportunities to get their feet wet in their industries. They were unlikely to land an internship anyway. This, in combination with the looming post graduation quarter life crisis is causing young adults to look for a way out of the dark. Luckily for them, there’s light at the end of the tunnel: the foot photo selling business. In a market where a picture of a singular toe is worth more than an hour of minimum wage labour, McGill female students have been left to question everything they once knew. A quick google search will have the average clueless individual suddenly filled with knowledge about the lucrative business that is the foot industry. From big to small, from painted to unpainted, from arched to flatfoot, there is truly something for everyone. This is capitalism. While the average barista is making a measly $14 an hour, your local Montreal foot connoisseur is raking in a minimum of $30 per photo. Minimum. Student debt, alcohol expenses and Prozac prescriptions need to be looked after. Nicotine addictions don’t just pay for themselves. Male McGill finance majors who voted conservative this past election may declare this form of entrepreneurship “immoral” or “unethical” while simultaneously bidding up the price of a lone toe. One might beg the question, Is engaging in a little foot play truly less ethical than becoming a corporate lawyer? Or a politician? Or better yet, a police officer? In reality, means of production (i.e. feet) DO, in this case, belong to the workers. Marx would be swept off his feet. Regardless of the potential criticism, many women seem unbothered and content with the hard-earned results of their side hustle. Camille K, a U2 student, stated to McGill Nightly, “I made a salary that will knock your socks off this year, and all of that was selling pictures of my feet. I haven’t had to worry about footing the bill in months!” Next time the rent is due, or the bills need to be paid, don’t get cold feet about this lucrative field of employment. If your history degree won’t be getting you a job, might as well let your feet do the work for you. In this world, this little piggy doesn't just go to the market, she IS the market.

McGill Students Realize Selling Feet Pics More Lucrative Than Their Arts Degrees

As McGill students enjoyed one extra hour in Cafe Campus and said goodbye to the sun for the next 6 months, vampires all over campus celebrated the clocks changing as it signified the sun setting at 2pm until late May. The vampires had lain in wait for the summer months, drooling as they dreamed of the all you can eat buffet known to students as Leacock 132. They had found shelter in Redpath Museum so no human would find them. But now that the long night has started at McGill, they are finally free to hunt down overworked poli-sci students and befriend TAs, the other species of blood-sucking fiends inhabiting McGill. 

McGill's high vampire population can be attributed to its strong world ranking. Not its Normal World Rankings, where McGill is only ranked #48, but its World Vampire University Ranking, where McGill is ranked second worldwide. This is primarily because of the early sunsets and because the administration doesn’t care when french students go missing. McGill was ranked behind only U of T, more commonly known as University of Transylvania. Although their meal plan and academics pale in comparison, U of T took the title due to a superior social scene.

The vampire news came as a total surprise to the student body since McGill warned its students of the impending dangers via SSMU’s weekly emails. To protect the vulnerable students, the administration frantically ramped up security by attaching loud sirens to every convenient door on campus. Students were subsequently advised to find shelter in the McGill libraries after dusk at 1pm to avoid the hungry vampires, which thankfully did not change anyone’s schedule. Students were also encouraged to bring garlic to their 8:30 classes, so they would be safe when walking home in the dark afterwards.

At press time, McGill was advertising it would no longer sell bottled blood by May 2020. 


McGill Vampires Rejoice As Daylight Savings Moves Sunset to 2PM

A bench player’s grandmother and the coach’s third wife cheered on enthusiastically as the varsity rugby team won the world cup of rugby in front of an audience of 2 people, our reporters confirmed despite not being at the game. 

The attendance was a marked failure for McGill. Before the game, the administration attempted to bribe 600 students into attending the game, in hopes of convincing people that McGill is a real Division I school. All 600 students rejected the bribe, explaining that they would be busy sitting at home doing nothing.

Around halftime, attendance peaked at 20 when a group of onesie-wearing drunkards stumbled onto the playing field. They eventually realized this was not their next carnival event when they noticed the absence of phalluses on the players’ shirts, leaving soon after.

After the game, our reporters sat down with captain and star player Sam McNeil. “I really thought my mom would be here to watch the biggest moment of my life, but she got caught up watching a real professional sport on TV” Sam said between tears. 
“At least I know Grandpa was watching down from heaven”, McNeil continued. However, when our reporters reached out for comment through a ouija board, McNeil’s grandfather admitted he was not in fact watching the game, as he too got caught up watching a real professional sport on TV. 

At press time, McGill’s quidditch team was playing a sold out game in Molson Stadium.

McGill Varsity Rugby Team Wins World Championship in Front of Audience of Two

A twenty-three-year-old Westmount native with a line tattoo of a maple leaf was found frozen to the railing of his Milton-Parc apartment. Police reported his cause of death to be exposure to the elements. “At this time of year, we don’t see them leaving their apartments for much other than White Claw runs and hookup opportunities,” said Officer Lavigne. “But then we saw the blackened tips of his ears and the beanie that didn’t even reach his eyebrows. With the freeze thaw cycle we’ve been having this winter, the fuckbois get confused and think it’s an appropriate time to congregate in St. Laurent clubs without their Canada Goose jackets. We’ve gotten a lot of reports of dazed and confused bros in Muzique over the past month.” “This was a healthy fuckboi who happened to be a victim of unpredictable weather,” said Jean-Baptiste Tremblay, founder of GOATS of Montreal, a for-profit organization dedicated to keeping the city’s fuckboi population at sustainable numbers. “It’s unacceptable. There’s no other type of guy who fills this particular niche. Except maybe bachelor party groups from the States and Toronto.” With fuckboi casualties mounting, what can ordinary Montrealers do to keep them safe this winter? “Keep them inside and keep them warm,” Officer Lavigne said. “Give them activities that they can do without going outside. We have found great success in encouraging them to hotbox and play Call of Duty with their bros.” But for the loved ones of this fuckboi, it is too little, too late. “I’m going to miss him so much,” she said. “My last words to him were, ‘I swear to God, send me one more dick pic and I’m going to block you.’ That’s going to haunt me for the rest of my days.”

Montreal Fuckboi Dies of Frostbite

Students at New Residence Hall threw a 600 person orgy in celebration of the news that they had achieved herd immunity from chlamydia, sources confirmed on Wednesday. This breakthrough came after McGill modeled its groundbreaking approach to dealing with chlamydia off Stockholm University. 

Early last week, New Residence Hall’s chlamydia levels were so high that the hall was placed under an orange alert, limiting orgies to six people instead of ten. The residence also implemented a new condom mandate, forcing students to wear condoms at all orgies. This mandate was met by a large anti-condom protest, where hundreds of itchy students gathered to defend their right to get sick and spread the plague. 

However, not all students have felt the effect of this epidemic. Among the unaffected students were the residents of La Citadelle, being totally clueless as to how STDs were even transmitted. French students were also among the fortunate to not get the STD, as students stringently continued their century-long social distancing campaign from them. Unfortunately for them, they were all checked into the ICU later with a grave respiratory illness: lung cancer.

Our reporters reached out to the prestigious McGill Administration to inquire about the situation. When asked about the health and safety of students, they replied "The important thing is that we can charge them $10,000 a year to live here." 

In other Rez news, a kid from Solin Hall showed early symptoms of the common flu. In a quick clean-up effort initiated by McGill, the building was levelled in a drone strike. Everyone else continued about their lives as normal.

New Rez Achieves Herd Immunity... from Chlamydia

McGill students were in hysteria as tickets for the first Cafe Campus event since 2020 sold out within minutes, Flashbacks from the RVC floor 11 casino soon emerged as feverish bidding for the valuable tickets began to take place. The resale market saw tickets sell for two to three times the initial ticket price. The frenzy hit a fever pitch when an NFT of a ticket for the Cafe Campus event sold for $2.2 million CAD, or in the words of the average Cafe Campus goer, 1.1 million meals from 2Chow. Although the NFT is identical in appearance to the real Cafe Campus tickets, it maintained no functionality as a ticket to the actual event. Regardless, while the resellers were making 200-300% ROIs on their actual tickets, one finance student was able to make an infinite ROI and retire on this single NFT sale. After much persistence, the Nightly got an exclusive comment from the seller, newly-retired U3 student Jake Welton. “At the end of the day, this NFT is better than a real ticket to the event. If you had hoped to escape your seasonal depression with a Tuesday night fixture of Madonna and Shania Twain, you’d just be disappointed when all you do is spend the night dodging spilled beer and gonorrhea on the dance floor. Instead, you can just pay $2 million, and have a line of code no one can see or understand,” Jake commented before going on a three hour rant about how the current financial system is dead. This bubble can be attributed to 5th year McGill students’ intense nostalgia for the Cafe Campus man and getting fingered by a stranger on a bar stand. Observers suspect that the McGill Caucasian community fears the loss of opportunities to belt out a tone-deaf rendition of The Killers’ hit single, ‘Mr Brightside’. Furthermore, few establishments can compete with the level of classiness, elegance and refinement of Justin Trudeau’s favourite nightlife spot. First and second year students remain confused by the fuss. Students should stay alert for future investment opportunities , as who knows what chaos may ensue when Igloofest tickets are released. The McGill Nightly scored another interview with successful bidder Jessica H, a U3 Arts student. “After bidding with multiple people on the McGill 2018-2019 entering class Facebook page, I was able to grab an NFT ticket for only $2.8 million dollars, a complete steal!” However, Jessica declined to comment on whether she had plans to pay her student loans. At press time, Jessica was being denied entry because her NFT of a ticket was not actually a ticket.

NFT of Cafe Campus Ticket Sells For $2 Million

Hello, little Froshies! We at the Nightly give you a warm welcome to McGill University, an institution famous for its world-class academics, successful alumni, and heavy involvement in the MK-Ultra project. Coming to university is a big life change, and big life changes can be scary. But never fear, First Years! We've compiled a list of tips to help you get ahead, get noticed, and get hard. If you do everything on this list, people will be sure to remember you! Here is the Nightly's Nine Tips for Campus Notoriety: <ol> <li>Interrupt your professor on the first day of class. It's a rare student that can stand up in the middle of a lecture and correct their instructor on a subject they've been researching for fifteen years. It'll set you apart from your low-achieving peers and garner you a reputation without having to do all that much. Those groans you're hearing aren't irritation—it's frustration that they didn't come up with your idea first!</li> <li>If you are from New York City, Toronto, or Paris, tell everyone with ears that you're from New York City, Toronto, or Paris. Montreal's alright, but it's a second-tier city that doesn't have the je ne sais quois of these global centers of power. Everyone is sure to be impressed with your worldly air and existential ennui, and will overlook the fact that you're living exclusively on your parents' money and are actually really obnoxious as a person.</li> <li>Sleep with your TA. Guaranteed higher grades, and you'll get invited to all the grad student parties, where you'll meet cool, older people who talk about all the cool, older people parties they're going to and the stuff they're researching and how McGill is overworking and underpaying them and how rent has skyrocketed since COVID and whether or not they should pay for hot water or groceries this month and…oh, God, is this what I have to look forward to?</li> <li>Plug your hair dryer and electric kettle into the same outlet and run them both at the same time. A busy student's got to learn to multitask, and if your grindset shorts the entire floor of your rez and plunges it into darkness, that's on half-century-old circuitry and shoddy construction, not you.</li> <li>Argue with the mean checkout lady at the RVC caf. Her tyranny has been backing up the checkout line for too long, and it's about time someone put her in her place! You should be able to pay with a debit card at the cash. It is your right.</li> <li>Argue with the bouncer at Musique. It's dark out and the light's not really great, anyway. How the Hell is he going to tell you that your ID is fake?</li> <li>Text your ex. This is just a generally good idea. Trust me.</li> <li>Drunkenly sing the Star-Spangled Banner as loud as you can. This is a great way to make new friends, especially if you're an American. Canadians love that good ol' Yankee selfconfidence, and will come over to you to tell you about it! To seal the deal, also talk about the 'American discount' and how Fahrenheit is so much more intuitive than Celsius.</li> <li>Steal a traffic cone. It's a rite of passage.</li> </ol>

Nine Tips for Campus Notoriety

In a bombshell report released earlier this week, Big Suze’s salary was revealed to be a meager 800,000 dollars a year. The Nightly is appalled by how low this number is. Do you know how many kids get sent to the principal's office in a school of 40,000 students? How many parents she needs to call because their children are playing hooky? How many misbehaving kids need to be spanked? Big Suze works incredibly hard, and her salary should reflect that. Reporters confirmed that Big Suze was struggling to get by on her measly six-figure salary, barely affording the mortgages on her Cancun estate, her Belize mansion, and her superyacht docked in Aruba. She barely had enough at the time of reporting to pay for her monthly swim in a pool of gold coins. If you need a scapegoat for Big Suze’s financial woes, look no further than the 43 honourable Provosts who leech an average of $200,000 a year from McGill’s already dwindling endowment, in exchange for nothing but raising the COVID case count by refusing to move finals online. McGill is in such dire straits they might have to name another building after someone really rich soon. Big Suze is currently living $50,000 paycheck to $50,000 paycheck, and that is frankly unacceptable. In order to try and remedy this grave injustice, we have started a GoFundMe campaign to ensure Big Suze can afford the most basic luxuries she deserves. Change clearly needs to happen, and if McCall-MacBain are too greedy to open up their wallets again, then we, the McGill community, will right this wrong. Link to GoFundMe: <a href="https://www.gofundme.com/f/x2cxv-give-big-suze-her-money" target="_blank">https://www.gofundme.com/f/x2cxv-give-big-suze-her-money</a>

“Not Big Enough”- Big Suze Deserves More Money

Feeling as though their current compensation of 0$ is too high, the OSD has announced that all future note-takers will need to pay a $50 fee to take notes. Note takers, who were previously treated like royalty, making a whopping $50 a semester, were dismayed to hear the news. “We used to have it so good,” one student explained. “We were making out like bandits, getting paid $1.04 per hour. Now that’s all gone.”

When asked whether their new policy was affecting the number of students offering to take notes for the program, the OSD was skeptical. “We still enter note takers into a raffle for a 50$ amazon gift card! I mean, who wouldn’t want to do hours of work for a tiny chance of being forced to spend $50 on some useless crap?” 

The majority of students who formerly used note taking were angered, but there was a silver lining for some. "It's not all bad," said former note user Rachel Jones. "Sure, I haven't been paired with any note takers and now I'm failing all of my classes, but at least I don't have to sift through a sea of notifications to see my latest announcements on Mycourses.”

When pressed for comment, McGill explained, “Money is really tight right now, we are just trying to be smart about our money and use it in a way that is best for our students.” On an unrelated note, McGill will be spending $5 million on renovating the outdoor rink. Work is expected to be done by the summer. 
We also asked McGill about AGSEM’s attempt to get note takers to unionize, to which they got pale and clutched their wallets tightly. 

At press time, a group of ADHD students gathered outside the OSD, protesting violently until they saw a bird and forgot what they were protesting about.

OSD to Start Charging Students to Take Notes

23rd floor of Burnside Hall- Professor Beatrice Roland made the shocking announcement that no student has come to her 2:30-3:30 AM office hours. “I just don’t understand,” explained Professor Roland. “I try to make my office hours work for everybody. I host them twice a week from 2:30-3:30 AM, but no one ever shows up. Shouldn’t students still be awake from the amount of course work I give them? What’s the deal?” When we asked when was the last time she had seen a student during office hours, she told us it was three years ago. However, the student turned out to be first year student Parker Manning, delirious from a high fever, who had stumbled into the wrong building while searching for the McGill Clinic.

We pressed Professor Roland for her opinion as to why attendance has been so low, but she was baffled. “What’s so hard about coming to my office hours?” she asked, “All you have to do is come to a building you’ve never heard of, in a part of campus you’ve never been to, take the elevator up to a seemingly abandoned floor, navigate the labyrinth of furniture barricades, find office 321 amongst a sea of non-sequentially numbered doors and voila, you’re there.” 
We asked a few more professors for their opinion on the situation, but despite McGill’s faculty’s sterling reputation for being in tune with the feelings and experiences of students, they were unable to explain the situation. 

In a different survey on TA office hours, asking whether students had gone or not, 100% of students reported not knowing what a TA was.

Professor Wonders Why No One Comes to Her 2:30 AM Office Hours

Library staff unanimously passed a motion requiring all students in common study spaces to wear PetSafe anti-noise gear. The decision was reached after they compared recordings of the second floor of Redpath on a Wednesday night with the lorikeet exhibit at the Denver Zoo and could not tell the difference. "It was out of control," said Jennifer Beale, a library clerk. "The new measures are far better than what we were doing before, which was nothing. Approaching a twenty-person gang of U0 girls and telling them to pipe down a little is extremely awkward and makes you seem like a killjoy. We don't want students to be killjoys—that's our job." In a break from McGill administrative convention, a considerable amount of thought and care went into the decision to use bark collars over other methods of noise control. "Our approach is very humane," said the Head Librarian. "Standard bark collars give an electric shock to dogs who make vocalizations above a certain decibel level. The devices we'll be using vibrate instead of shock, which is uncomfortable for the wearer but not painful. We don't want to add additional stressors to students; the Canadian Mental Health Association has reported that simply entering McLennan is a traumatic experience on par with being in a hostage situation." The move is not without its detractors; several community members who frequent the library have criticized staff for not doing more to maintain a peaceful environment. "They should have gone with our original proposal," said Lena Han, who, along with several others, has been posting passive-aggressive callouts on Reddit in an attempt to resolve the problem. "Anybody who does so much as crinkle a candy wrapper should be put in the stocks and have tomatoes thrown at them. This is only going to make the atmosphere worse." In addition to bark collars, library staff will also be enforcing quiet by bringing back Covid enforcers and arming them with spray bottles. They will spritz offenders in the face and shout, ‘No! Bad! Stop it!' in the hopes that the unpleasant sensation of being misted with cold water will encourage students to be quieter. "If none of these ideas work, we're just going to give up," said the Head Librarian. "We're having enough trouble keeping people from pooping in the study rooms."

Redpath, McLennan Libraries to Mandate Bark Collars for Noisy Students

As a McGill student, you may be wondering what all of your six dollar mandatory fees are going towards at the Daily Publication Society. The McGill Nightly has compiled an in-depth report, and here are our findings: <ul> <li>$50,000 goes towards printing out thousands of samosa napkins a week that can’t even be used for their primary purpose anymore and definitely won’t be used for their secondary purpose either</li> <li>$30,000 is set aside for bribing students to say that they hate in-person school and yearn for the days of online class so they can report on it</li> <li>$15,000 is used to pay local businesses to taint their good name by running an ad in the Daily</li> <li>Arguably the most important spend of the budget, $25,000 is used to pay for the psychic medium to write up the Daily’s horoscopes</li> <li>$30,000 to pay for polling and research, to find exactly how students feel about important issues so they can write the polar opposite</li> <li>$10,000 for a comedy consultant to remove anything that can remotely be considered funny from the "compendium" section</li> <li>$10,000 worth of hush money for students who noticed they constantly re-run articles in separate issues.</li> <li>And as for the other $90,000 per year, these will be forever unaccounted for as we have no idea how they could possibly spend so much money every single year.</li> </ul>

REPORT: How Does the Daily Spend Their $260,000/Year Budget?

You may have wondered, what did Provosts do before the virus? The Nightly has completed an in-depth investigation, and here are our findings:
<ul><li>Practicing their vlogging skills in the case of a pandemic/zombie apocalypse: Provosts practiced 3 hours a day reading emotionlessly off their phone, and an extra 6 hours a day making the background of the video look SUPER important.</li>
<li>Covering up the fact they make $165,000 a year: 165k seems like an exorbitant salary, but so much of a Provost’s effort is spent covering up this fact that the workload ends up meriting this amount.</li>
<li>Sending long emails without saying anything: This skill has proved extremely useful during the crisis, allowing people to scroll through paragraphs and paragraphs of ramblings every day to find out if their classes will be going online or not.</li>
<li>Choosing a new varsity team name: Provosts spend 8 hours a day debating whether the new varsity name should be a thing McGill students don't care about or some other thing McGill students don't care about.</li>
<li>Figuring out how many titles to put before their names: This is yet another one of the full time jobs that people like Associate Deputy Dr. Reverend Provost Harry Woodward have to do on a daily basis.</li>
<li>Being Marty the Martlet: Yes, we were surprised too, but it turns out every time you've seen the beloved McGill mascot it has in fact been one of the Provosts under the suit.</li></ul>And of course, most of their time was spent provosting.

REPORT: What Did Provosts Do Before the Virus?

Following a number of mishaps, unnecessarily long waiting times, and the accidental expulsion of straight-A student Sam Hayes, McGill University has renamed the service point 'Point' as they can no longer guarantee any form of service. The Point has released an official statement, "As the last service we are able to offer, we would like to apologize for the inconvenience. We wish all the U0 students luck in paying their Minerva bills."

Not surprisingly, McGill has kept the French name of the Point to 'le Point de service' as no one understands French anyway. 

Service Point Changes Name to 'Point' Due to Lack of Service

McGill student Gabriel Cunningham was all set to cheat on his final exam last Friday, but was given pause when confronted with the Declaration of Academic Integrity. 

Cunningham said that he had no idea that he would have to sign such a declaration. “I was totally caught off guard,” he said. He was committed to fraudulently obtaining a perfect grade, despite not having attended any classes and not learning anything throughout the course. 

But something just didn’t sit right with him when it came to lying about it. 

“When I sat there and read the entire document word for word, I realized that it just wouldn’t be right to promise that I was submitting my own work, when in reality I would be submitting the work of some guy I paid online. I may be a cheater, but I’m not a liar,” Cunningham told reporters. 

He ended up writing the exam himself. “If I fail, I fail, but at least I’ll know that I kept my integrity. Retaking the class won’t be a problem anyways, they always offer Art of Listening”.

Signing of Declaration of Academic Integrity Convinces Student to Not Cheat

After a long string of SSMU Facebook posts that included a lot of profanity and not a lot of English, SSMU has decided to replace French with Profanity as the Society’s second official language. The vote comes after a year where numerous emails dans francaise proved that neither SSMU nor Google Translate cares about francophones. The only consolation prize for French students is that SSMU’s official profanity will include words such as merde.

From now on, all students can come to SSMU and use as many profanities as they like as long as it cusses out the McGill Administration and not SSMU for not doing its job. A translator will be on hand to translate all profanity-laden speeches into real English, and from real English back into Profanity. SSMU also announced a new profanity fee will be joining the 523 other fees students are charged. Furthermore, the Vice President-University Affairs was renamed Vice President-Profanity Affairs in order to help implement profanity as an official language.

While most students disagree with making Profanity the second official language, the motion received high marks from the beloved napkin company and critically acclaimed satirical newspaper ‘The McGill Daily’. In removing French as an official language, the Daily no longer has to care about Le Delit. Instead, the Daily will be recognized as a bilingual paper, with their frequent article that only uses “f*#&” being an ode to the new language of Profanity.

The McGIll Nightly reached out to the SSMU for comment, but only received a string of profanities in response.

SSMU replaces French with Profanity as Second Official Language

In what SSMU was convinced was the “glitch of the century”, the Fall referendum they restarted due to zero votes has also received zero votes, our reporters reported after being barraged with SSMU emails insisting that they vote. In the string of increasingly desperate-sounding emails they sent out, SSMU was quoted, “Please vote in our Fall referendum. You can even abstain if you want, we just really need at least 5 votes to feel important. We’re begging you, we’ll even give you free McGill Daily merch if you do!” Needless to say, the subsequent Fall referendum received zero votes as well, leaving SSMU totally clueless as to what should be done with regards to key issues, such as the McGill Sweet Potato Appreciation Club Improvement Fee and the Make Meetings Three Hours Longer Because What Else Can We Even Do On A Saturday Night vote. In a last ditch effort to regain the school’s attention, SSMU decided to have their president <a href="https://www.mcgilldaily.com/2021/11/ssmu-presidents-leave-of-absence-continues/" target="_blank">get involved in a scandal</a>, and then told everyone to just shut up and not talk about it. More on this story from the Nightly as it develops. At press time, SSMU was conducting a vote on whether or not to conduct a referendum on whether or not to conduct a vote on whether or not to conduct another referendum.

SSMU Restarts Fall Referendum Due to Zero Votes, Gets Zero Votes Again

After months of infighting and uncharacteristically messy governing, SSMU has come together to solve the ongoing conflict between Russia and Ukraine. SSMU politics have been fraught with tension this year, but when the war in Ukraine started, the body realized it was uniquely positioned with an ability to bring peace. The body's combination of expertise in global affairs and strong and effective governance proved extremely valuable in bringing a peaceful resolution to the conflict. SSMU president Vladimir Daryananovitch, who had just returned from a forced, paid 6 month vacation in the Bahamas, was proud to be able to solve the crisis so quickly. When asked for comment on how he accomplished such a feat, he simply credited his respectful treatment of women and non-abusive workplace practices. VP Bureaucracy Jessica Jeniason explained further in an exclusive with the Nightly, "From my experience, the most effective way of handling a misbehaving leader is to put them on a suspension for 6 months for no explained reason and then sheepishly let them resume to rule once your investigation determined the only reason you suspended him in the first place was petty bullcrap." SSMU’s competence in solving complex issues efficiently is well documented. For example, it only took them 7 short years to make a minor repair to their own building. In addition, their last 12 hour meeting ended in the changing of the McGill Wine Club’s logo, a clear sign of progress for the school. And not only were they able to successfully reprimand a tyrannical leader on their own with a legitimate and useful suspension, but they succeeded in shutting the Daily up for months, something no one else has even been able to do. At press time, SSMU had announced an invasion of Concordia’s library.

SSMU Solves Russia-Ukraine Conflict

After a months-long private investigation returned zero evidence of wrongdoing, SSMU said "fuck it" and impeached president Vladimir Daryananovich regardless. In Monday's emergency GA meeting, students voted overwhelmingly to impeach President Daryananovich. SSMU then proceeded to penalize him with the most dreaded punishment they could think of: indefinite impeachment with pay. After spending 25,000 dollars, or in McGill terms, one tenth of a McGill Daily (AND DELIT) annual budget, SSMU’s team of elite private investigators were unable to find any evidence of wrongdoing on Daryananovitch’s part. SSMU's investigators were clearly inspired by the organization's level of efficiency, and worked hard to match that efficiency with their investigation. However, on McGill Nightly’s zero-dollar budget, our investigation found 14 separate counts of inappropriate behaviour, simply by texting a few friends. Students hated their President so much that despite their inability to attend a single one and a half hour lecture all semester, they were willing to sit through a four hour meeting just to ensure Daryananovich was impeached. Hatred coursed through students’ veins as they voted to impeach their president, vilifying the evil person they thought there was a small chance he might have been. Feelings of anger that night were only exacerbated by students who had never attended a SSMU meeting when they realized that the average SSMU meeting is five hours long, boring and pointless. However, the vote did mark an important achievement for SSMU, as it was only the second time in the organization's history that it had enacted something most of the student body agreed with. In a bid to stay in power, Daryananovich posted a series of Tik-Toks explaining why he was being unfairly targeted. All 17 McGill students who actually saw the Tik-Toks hated them so much they immediately joined the GA to vote against him. The most conclusive evidence in favour of Daryananovich came in the form of a 300-page dissertation anonymously published on Medium. The novel concluded with the signature “Not Vladimir” and in good SSMU fashion, took 400,000 words to say absolutely nothing. Needless to say, students believed none of it. At press time, SSMU board members were all begging to be suspended indefinitely, with pay.

SSMU Somehow Fucks Up Removing a Seemingly Universally Hated President

Gleefully hopping from the overcrowded discord server to Pretend to Discover McGill Day, to zoom drinking games, U0 student Gilbert Harris had fun attending online frosh, sources confirmed. Gilbert showed up for Olympic Frosh decked out in athletic clothes, doing dynamic stretches, blissfully unaware that Frosh themes mean absolutely nothing.

Harris made several friends at the events, quickly finding out that the best way to get to know people is by staring at a mosaic of anonymous muted faces. He reportedly said this was the best $150 he had ever spent, after the 150 dollars he paid in athletic facility improvement fees. Frosh leaders assured first years that the money would be well worth it for online Beach Day, insisting the event would be ‘virtually the best day of your lives’. Attendees were subsequently sent a sandbox filled with empty Palm Bay cans and urine, perfectly capturing the Beach Day experience.

Overall, the transition to online Frosh was smooth. O-staff’s responsibilities shifted seamlessly from creepily hanging around a party full of first years to creepily hanging around a zoom call full of first years. O-staff were quick to adapt, racking up 16 allegations of sexual harassment over nothing but discord servers. 

“I admire our school’s resilience and willingness to adapt during these trying times”, Big Suze commented whilst receiving Shiatsu massages at her Aruba estate. She then explained how important it is for students to still be paying full tuition in order to give them the best possible experience. Reporters then saw her making a withdrawal from the McCall-McBain fund to pay for her massage.

At press time, Gilbert was having fun in his Zoom classes.

Student Attends Online Frosh, Has Fun

U0 student Parker Manning has died in the waiting room of the McGill clinic of old age, paramedics confirmed late Thursday. 

Parker showed up at the clinic at 4:30am to beat the crowd, or so he thought. But when he arrived he found he was behind 325 students with chlamydia, gonorrhea, and every other sexually transmitted disease known to man. He decided he would wait for an appointment, a decision he regretted throughout the 82 years he spent in the waiting room. 

“I kind of hoped my cold would pass by the time my appointment came” Parker croaked in an 
exclusive interview with our reporters. “But every time the cold passed, another sick student would walk into the waiting room and infect me all over again”. When shaking his hand after our interview, we noticed he had gone limp and his pulse had stopped. Parker’s corpse was wheeled into the operating room, where 2nd year pre-med students frantically flipped through their notes, trying to figure out where the heart is. As a last resort, they tried to revive him with CPR, but they gave up when they remembered they had a midterm to study for.
Despite Parker’s passing, this month was fairly successful for the clinic. Only seventeen students died waiting for their appointments; an improvement from last month’s twenty casualties.

McGill has begun digging Parker’s grave on campus as a tribute, a task that will take Montreal construction workers 25 years to do.


Student Goes to McGill Clinic With Cold, Dies in Waiting Room of Old Age

Sources confirmed Friday that local economics student Kevin Cosgrove will be going on an involuntary hunger strike for the next three months, after he managed to blow $2,000 of meal plan money in two weeks by eating 29 dollar steaks for three meals a day. This news was met with roaring applause and evil cackles from the cafeteria staff, who spent their entire careers overcharging students, waiting for this very day to come. 

When the news broke, students began taking bets as to what would kill Kevin first; his honours economics course load or his chronic malnourishment. However, our writers’ money is on both, as Kevin embarks on his hardest Econ project of his McGill career: budgeting his remaining $2.23 for the 95 days left in the semester.

On the contrary, Kevin’s best friend, Evan McNeil, took the cost effective approach of eating just Kind bars and complimentary sriracha sauce three meals a day, somehow stretching his meal plan for a McGill record of 6 weeks and three days.

In an exclusive interview with The Nightly, Kevin said he "always thought freshman 15 was slang for the 15 pounds gained during freshman year, but the way this is going my freshman 15 might just be me weighing 15 pounds by the end of the semester."

Student on Meal Plan Eats Prime Rib 2x/Day for 2 Weeks, Starves for Rest of Semester

The student sitting next to you in the fieldhouse was taking their final in COFF 450, or so it seemed. It was clearly not Intro to Coughing, COFF 100, as this was truly a seasoned veteran. The student spent half an hour perfecting the pitch and timbre of the cough until it was at the perfect focus-disrupting pitch. The student then coughed, wheezed, hacked, and sneezed his way through the exam, lowering the grades of 2,000 other students simultaneously.

COFF 450 probably had a downward grade curve, guessing by the amount of effort this student was putting into their coughs. The student’s scantron paper became wet with saliva and bacteria as the hacking continued, getting louder as the student emptied ounces of phlegm from his respiratory tract. The student had spent all semester perfectly healthy, sticking his head out the window the night before finals to maximize his coughing abilities, proving that cramming indeed can be an effective study method. 

The invigilators failed a student halfway across the room for blatantly copying the coughing student’s technique. They had warned before the exam that coughing algorithms would detect coughs and match unusually similar coughs to pairs of students. The two coughers were promptly expelled for plagiarism, allowing the other 398 students in COFF 450 to pick up their slack by putting even more effort into their exams. 

At press time, the student to your right was finishing their exam in Intro to Asking a Stupid Question Every Three Minutes.

Student on Your Left in Fieldhouse Majoring in Coughing, Apparently

Many McGill students reported feeling neglected and uninformed as McGill Provosts only sent out 400 emails this past week. MRO, the McGill Rambling Office, had lowered their email frequencies to 400 per week, worried that students would become too informed about the virtues of staying home when sick or wearing masks while indoors. We tried interviewing a student to learn more about the situation, but unfortunately they had nothing to share, as they were left completely in the dark by McGill this week. The MRO’s decision to cut down emailing frequencies comes off the heels of a new format of shorter emails, designed to cut out every last important word in favour of incomprehensible jargon. “With all the important information gone, we can finally focus on what matters: producing our first email composed entirely of random words picked from a thesaurus”, the Provosts said in an email interview with the Nightly, albeit in much more esoteric language. When pressed for further comment, the Provosts stood silent in a show of unflappable stoicism. At press time, the McGill Rambling Office returned to their usual 900 emails a week and students were once again fully informed.

Students Feel Abandoned and Uninformed After Receiving Only 400 Provost Emails This Week

McGill students flocked to attend nine-person parties as Quebec dropped laws limiting fun and opted for suggestions to limit fun, the Nightly staff reported whilst collectively obliterated at a nine-person party. This news comes on the heels of Quebec’s announcement to legalize fun incrementally over the next month, beginning with allowing only 50% fun and progressing to 100% fun by mid-March. Francois Legault smiled with contentment as his suggestion held equal footing as his laws, watching as students honoured him by keeping all their parties to less than ten people and three social bubbles. “Nine-person parties are where it’s at! Even though we’re not being threatened with exorbitant fines, sometimes it just feels good to know you’re not killing people by having eleven people over,” explained U2 student Carson Porter in an interview with the Nightly. “This is exactly what parties were like in 2019, right? I was briefly at a 4 person gathering with people from 4 different bubbles and I felt so unsafe. Thankfully I had Legault's suggestions to let me know when the virus starts transmitting." The news was received with mixed reactions from the student body. In a Zoom interview with an N-95 mask-wearing Daily editor alone in their room, the editor mentioned that “we really aren’t ready for fun to resume. I mean, 95% of our content depends on a complete lack of fun here at McGill. What will we write about if things are fun again?” SSMU members, on the other hand, were ecstatic for the return of fun, or in their definition of the word ‘fun’, ten-hour meetings arguing with each other about quizzical details of McGill club logos. At press time, eleven McGill students instantly died after attending an eleven-person indoor gathering, but it wasn’t due to on-campus COVID transmission so who cares.

Students Flock to Attend Nine-Person Parties as Quebec Loosens from Laws to Suggestions

McGill students took a brief break from their 200-person house parties to petition McGill to allow them to cheat on their finals, the Nightly reported last Tuesday. Students cited concerns about the virus as the reason for the petition, explaining that the virus is known to target those who work hard in school and achieve grades on their own merit. The Nightly was made aware of this petition when our photo-viewing algorithm matched an unusually similar pair of photos, confirming that the author plagiarized our photo for use in the petition. We will be uploading a change.org petition soon to expel this student for their plagiarism, because here at the Nightly, we stand for integrity. The petition continued on to explain that since McGill had allowed its students to cheat in their assignments, quizzes and midterms all semester, it made no sense to not allow them to cheat on their finals. Unfortunately, the petition was only posted one day before finals were set to start because it was only then that students realized simultaneously how unsafe the fieldhouse is and how much they didn’t study for their finals. Not surprisingly, McGill was unable to make any changes within a day, so McGill students lined up by the thousands outside the exam rooms in a show of support for cheating on their finals. In dumber news, Concordia understood the safety concerns of its students, so it actively encouraged them to cheat on their finals. This resulted in Concordia seeing its highest average grades ever, with an average GPA of 3.8, or in percentage points, 48%. At press time, Big Suze was earning nearly 1 million dollars a year.

Students Petition McGill To Allow Them to Cheat on Their Finals

Over 85% of McGill students believed that going to class during the add-drop period was “mandatory”, “useful”, and “important”, an in-class survey conducted by the McGill Nightly concluded last Thursday. “These poor students are getting misled and misinformed day after day” the honourable Provost Chris Buddle said in an interview with the Nightly. “First they get convinced that spending 1400$ a month to live in Rez is a worthwhile investment, then they get conned into going to class during the add-drop period.” he ranted. “Just wait until they find out that all of their undergrad degrees are scams as well,” the Nightly overheard Chris Buddle muttering. The Nightly’s survey found that students weren’t the only ones falling victim to this evil scheme. Six out of every ten McGill professors reported showing up to their own classes during add-drop period, insisting that it is crucial that they be present to read their own syllabus five times in a row. Only 40% of professors were wise enough to delegate everything to their TAs so they could spend an extra three weeks doing nothing. The deception did not stop in the classroom. Herds of 3rd and 4th year students were seen aimlessly wandering around Lower Field, deceived into believing McGill students were still allowed to have fun. Even the first years were conned out of fun by being led to believe that this year's frosh would be a good experience. We administered the same survey with the Concordia student body as well, but most were unfamiliar with the concept of “class”.

SURVEY: Over 85% of McGill Students Mistakenly Believe Class is Useful During Add-Drop

Following in the footsteps of the McGill Tribune, which announced on Tuesday that it would remove the word "McGill" from its name, we at the Nightly have decided to follow best practices and remove "Nightly" from our own title. The publication will now be known as The McGill. The McGill has recently reckoned with the controversial history of its own name. Rather than really buckle down and think through the implications of being associated with an institution founded by a slave-trader, the McGill has decided that removing a word from its title is a really good way to look like we’re doing something while actually not doing anything at all. The McGill opposes all forms of misogyny, violence and institutional inequality, but only when people ask us about it. This name change isn’t really all that important in terms of staying accountable, but it’ll keep people from coming after us for being problematic for at least two months. We will continue to uphold good practices through hard-hitting journalism and the expansion of our staff to include more diverse voices, but only if they’re white women. The McGill now calls on the McGill Daily to change its name. We suggest that they remove both McGill and Daily from the title, to become " ". In associating itself with its current name, The McGill Daily only harms our community by existing. The McGill will continue to report on campus related activities whenever we feel like it. Defending the name change, our Editor-in-Chief had an inspirational message for budding journalists and McGill students: "If we cannot reject this name [the Nightly], we cannot in good faith stand behind any of the changes we have advocated for. As journalists, we choose to keep speaking truth to power instead of fearing it."

The McGill Nightly to Drop "Nightly" From Name

Dearest McGill students, Maybe this is the first time you’re reading our content. Maybe you’re a lifelong fan coming back to relive what it was like reading our articles back when we were funny and productive enough to actually release articles. Or maybe you’re just a McGill Daily editor who was baited by the title. Regardless, we’re here to tell you why you should vote YES to keep your Daily Publication Society fees. Firstly, the Daily’s extremely efficient operations allow them to run at the cost of only 240,000 dollars a year (not accounting for $1.5 million defamation lawsuits). This is an absolute bargain of a student publication if you ask us. Despite the samosa sale ban decreasing demand for their product by nearly 6,000% the Daily remains committed to circulating thousands of print copies of newspapers in every nook and cranny of McGill’s campus. It's hard to think of a better way McGill could spend $240,000 a year. Secondly, the Daily is consistent in representing the views of their fellow students. Whether it’s shitting on Movember (<a href="https://www.mcgilldaily.com/2013/11/movember-as-micro-aggression/" target="_blank">https://www.mcgilldaily.com/2013/11/movember-as-micro-aggression/</a>), telling the Western world to get their ‘hands off Venezuela’ to the instant condemnation of the McGill Spanish & Latin American Students Association (<a href="https://www.mcgilldaily.com/2019/02/hands-off-venezuela/" target="_blank">https://www.mcgilldaily.com/2019/02/hands-off-venezuela/</a>), to complaining about online schooling (<a href="https://www.mcgilldaily.com/2020/10/opinion-mcgills-online-learning-is-a-disgrace/" target="_blank">https://www.mcgilldaily.com/2020/10/opinion-mcgills-online-learning-is-a-disgrace/</a>) and then complaining about returning to school in person (<a href="https://www.mcgilldaily.com/2021/09/mcgill-returns-to-in-person-schooling/" target="_blank">https://www.mcgilldaily.com/2021/09/mcgill-returns-to-in-person-schooling/</a>), the Daily is consistent in representing its constituents’ views and values. As anyone can see, an organization of this type not only deserves a mandatory fee, but possible your mandatory readership of it as well. Unfortunately, as we're sure you all know, it is impossible to run a student newspaper on a budget of less than $240,000. We at the Nightly barely manage to survive on our 2.4 million dollar budget. So vote YES or journalism on campus will cease to exist (except the Tribune. And the Bull and Bear. And the Nightly. And the Why Intersection (oh wait)) Finally, the Daily is, and always was, McGill University’s funniest newspaper. So please, go to <a href="https://ssmu.simplyvoting.com/" target="_blank">https://ssmu.simplyvoting.com/</a> and vote YES for the mandatory Daily Publication Society fee. Because if something stands for what you don’t believe in, you should be forced to pay for its $240,000 annual budget.

Vote Yes to Support the McGill Daily’s Shoestring Budget of $240,000

McGill's student health clinic has announced a radical new strategy to reduce the inadequacies of patient care: putting down anyone that shows up with an illness or injury. "The benefit is twofold: It cuts down on expenses and deters other invalids from bothering us," said the Associate Director. "Our pilot program established that the cost of ammunition was sixty-five percent cheaper than actually treating patients' maladies. Wait times are down by seventy percent. We should have started shooting students earlier." Though they are experiencing extraordinary success, not everything is off to the races. "We initially had some concerns regarding the significant number of missing persons the Racehorse Approach generates," she continued, "As well as inquiries from panicked parents and the police. But since we've partnered with a glue factory and hired a mob lawyer to cover for us, those issues have become almost nonexistent." While administration is happy with the numbers, healthcare providers are ecstatic that the approach positively impacts their morale. "I was really into horses when I was a kid," said Danielle Hanes, RN. "If I had the choice between handling thoroughbreds and handling first years with mono, I'd choose the ponies every time. The inspiration we're taking from veterinary medicine makes my work much more enjoyable." We were unable to find many students that had visited the Wellness Hub after the Racehorse Approach had been implemented. The one patient that agreed to talk to us told us that she'd run multiple timed laps in the Fieldhouse while a mixed group of professors, administrators, and fellow students placed bets on who'd be the first to go down. "My experience was pretty bad," she said. "But it did treat my tendonitis, since I now have no tendons below the elbow in my left arm. It's a definite improvement over the previous system." The Wellness Hub's next goal is to alleviate pressure on mental health services. They are eyeing up the Abusive Father Method, which is accomplished by hiring scary-sounding men to answer the phones and belittle patients calling for therapy appointments. "Early reports say that call volume has decreased by thirty percent," said the Associate Director. "I think this is a new era for the Wellness Hub."

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