McGill Varsity Rugby Team Wins World Championship in Front of Audience of Two
12/01/2020|A ton of views|
The audience cheers on as players walk off the field for halftime. Source: a McGill propaganda drone.
A bench player’s grandmother and the coach’s third wife cheered on enthusiastically as the varsity rugby team won the world cup of rugby in front of an audience of 2 people, our reporters confirmed despite not being at the game.
The attendance was a marked failure for McGill. Before the game, the administration attempted to bribe 600 students into attending the game, in hopes of convincing people that McGill is a real Division I school. All 600 students rejected the bribe, explaining that they would be busy sitting at home doing nothing.
Around halftime, attendance peaked at 20 when a group of onesie-wearing drunkards stumbled onto the playing field. They eventually realized this was not their next carnival event when they noticed the absence of phalluses on the players’ shirts, leaving soon after.
After the game, our reporters sat down with captain and star player Sam McNeil. “I really thought my mom would be here to watch the biggest moment of my life, but she got caught up watching a real professional sport on TV” Sam said between tears.
“At least I know Grandpa was watching down from heaven”, McNeil continued. However, when our reporters reached out for comment through a ouija board, McNeil’s grandfather admitted he was not in fact watching the game, as he too got caught up watching a real professional sport on TV.
At press time, McGill’s quidditch team was playing a sold out game in Molson Stadium.