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Montreal Fuckboi Dies of Frostbite

February 4|So many views|
The view from lower field the day of the tragedy.
The view from lower field the day of the tragedy.

A twenty-three-year-old Westmount native with a line tattoo of a maple leaf was found frozen to the railing of his Milton-Parc apartment. Police reported his cause of death to be exposure to the elements.

“At this time of year, we don’t see them leaving their apartments for much other than White Claw runs and hookup opportunities,” said Officer Lavigne. “But then we saw the blackened tips of his ears and the beanie that didn’t even reach his eyebrows. With the freeze thaw cycle we’ve been having this winter, the fuckbois get confused and think it’s an appropriate time to congregate in St. Laurent clubs without their Canada Goose jackets. We’ve gotten a lot of reports of dazed and confused bros in Muzique over the past month.”

“This was a healthy fuckboi who happened to be a victim of unpredictable weather,” said Jean-Baptiste Tremblay, founder of GOATS of Montreal, a for-profit organization dedicated to keeping the city’s fuckboi population at sustainable numbers. “It’s unacceptable. There’s no other type of guy who fills this particular niche. Except maybe bachelor party groups from the States and Toronto.”

With fuckboi casualties mounting, what can ordinary Montrealers do to keep them safe this winter? “Keep them inside and keep them warm,” Officer Lavigne said. “Give them activities that they can do without going outside. We have found great success in encouraging them to hotbox and play Call of Duty with their bros.”

But for the loved ones of this fuckboi, it is too little, too late. “I’m going to miss him so much,” she said. “My last words to him were, ‘I swear to God, send me one more dick pic and I’m going to block you.’ That’s going to haunt me for the rest of my days.”

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