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The McGill Nightly

McGill's Second Least Trusted News Source

Canada Post Successfully Delivers Package for First Time Since March 2020; McGill Loses Mind

September 19|Lots of views|
A pile of bombs, according to McGill.
A pile of bombs, according to McGill.

Police and paramedics were called to the scene when Canada Post was able to successfully deliver a package for the first time since March 2020, the Nightly confirmed Tuesday. The package was successfully delivered to the McCall MacBain Arts building, and was met with such awe that students left all their arts building classes to go witness the historic event.

Canada Post had been struggling to deliver packages successfully ever since implementing their “due to COVID-19” package policy, which allowed workers to take any packages they wanted whenever they wanted. The Nightly sent out a letter requesting comment from Canada Post, but of course it wasn’t delivered.

McGill quickly brought in a bomb squad to destroy the suspiciously successfully delivered packaging, insisting that a package this efficiently handled was simply “too good to be true” and therefore had to be a bomb. McGill closed the arts building for the next 7 hours, and tweeted to everyone that they were closed due to a “suspicious package”, just so everyone would know how cool they are. The flood of publicity McGill got as a result was just enough to steer attention away from the fact that its global university rankings fell another 42 spots this year.

This wasn’t the only act of violence McGill staged this week. After the great success of the box prank, McGill decided to stage its own stabbing as well last Saturday to up its publicity. "This week was just what we needed" Big Suze confided in an exclusive interview with the Nightly. "Western had been hogging all the national attention with its series of crimes. It's very important for us to be front and centre in the news, because our reputation as the best school in Canada is completely dependent on people not remembering there are other schools in Canada."

At press time, McGill was staging the kidnapping of James McGill’s statue, presumably to get more attention.

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