The McGill Nightly

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McGill Admin Doesn’t Cancel School Despite 8 ft. Snow, Places Bets on Student Death Count

February 16|Lots of views|

A flock of students take their chances at survival as they walk to their 8:30s. Source: photographer, dead from frostbite.

Evil cackles were heard from the McGill administration’s ivory tower as they decided not to cancel classes despite 8 feet of snow, placing wagers on how many students and low-wage faculty members would die on their way to classes. Tears continued to stream down their faces as they sent out the mass email wishing 40,000 students luck in competing for survival on the way to class.

Members of the administration were seen on campus that day, chortling as limp bodies slid down McTavish Street, piling up at the service point.

“Big Suze was ahead most of the day with her bet on 25 students, but when that 6 foot icicle plummeted to the ground from the arts building onto that pile of U1 Psych students, I pulled ahead with my prediction of 50 casualties” the Deputy Provost said in an interview with the Nightly. The Nightly then asked him what the hell a provost is, but he was too busy provosting to answer.

The most cunning of the administration members were those who set midterms on the snow day, checking weather reports weeks in advance to confirm the risk levels were high enough. Other members of the administration threw water over all the curbs so students would fall and drown in those deep puddles of devastation on every curb.

A real troll of an administration member completely divested McGills fossil fuel investments just for the snow day, so the climate’s temperatures would drop sharply, increasing his chance of winning his bet on 15,000 students perishing on the way to class.

To up his chances of winning the wager, the Vice Principal Student Life and Learning hopped into a sidewalk-snowplow and ironically mowed down a group of students walking peacefully down Milton street. Ambulances were called to save the life of popular student Amber McCarthy, who was injured in the incident, but the first responders were sensible people who didn’t work in 6 feet of snow.

At the end of the day, the Secretary General had won with her bet of 162 dead students being spot on, but the results are contested as 84 of those deaths were routine food poisonings from the McGill cafs.
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