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Dean Rules All Students and Staff to be Dusted With Asbestos, As a Treat

March 9|So many views|
Lung cancer is now part of the McGill meal plan.
Lung cancer is now part of the McGill meal plan.

A McGill Provost email sent the Friday before Reading Week includes a letter from the Dean regarding the discovery of asbestos on the Macdonald Campus.

"We hope this reaches all of you while you are otherwise distracted," the letter begins. "That’s the best way to announce policy changes that are sure to be unpopular."

The letter continues, "We care deeply about the safety and comfort of our community members. It really hurts our feelings that you all would think that we don’t. It’s only our inaction and apathy regarding injustices perpetrated on the vulnerable that make you guys think we’re terrible. That’s not cool! It’s not our fault that the university has been taking advantage of people since its founding, and since it’s not our fault, we’re not going to do anything to stop it.

"But to prove how invested we are in McGill, we are mandating that all students, non-tenured faculty, and staff be coated in a thin film of asbestos by the end of the winter semester. Not only are the dangers of asbestos all in your head, but we also really love you guys. We’re doing this for you. Board members and administrators won’t get the asbestos treatment, though, just FYI."

Reception to this letter has been mixed; many students have expressed ambivalence toward the new mandate.

"If I die, I die," said Ben Xie. "I just assume I’ll drop dead when I turn forty. I’ve only got nineteen years before that happens. Mesothelioma isn’t really one of the things I’m most worried about."

Others are more worried about financial setbacks.

"The Principal himself could give me a little asbestos-y smooch, with tongue, and I’d be okay with it as long as he compensated my tuition," said Irene Gambino-Gould, an international student from Westchester, New York.

A large number of students, however, have expressed anger and concern, citing the large body of research that shows exposure to asbestos fibers is debilitating to human health.

In response to the backlash, the Dean is hosting an online town hall next Tuesday to deflect community members' questions and to take down the names of dissenters, who may later accidentally fall out of windows. It is speculated that a ban on Brita filters will also be announced at the event, ‘because everyone knows that people who don’t consume lead are wusses.’

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