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The McGill (Nightly)

McGill's Second Least Trusted News Source

First Year Realizes that Instead of Developing a Personality, She Can Just Join a Sorority

10/10/2021|Lots of views|
The most diverse thing in this picture is the colors on the wall. Source: every sorority ever.
The most diverse thing in this picture is the colors on the wall. Source: every sorority ever.

First year student Samatha Cunningham had a moment of clarity late Saturday night, as she realized that instead of developing a full-fledged personality, she can just join a sorority. Samantha was previously making friends with nice people who she liked and shared interests with, but after just two rush events she realized how she had been wasting her time. Samantha’s relative lack of interesting qualities and inability to make conversation that was not gossiping made finding new friends a challenge for her. But once she realized she could just pay $2000 a year to buy 50 guaranteed friends, her social life was transformed.

Like most young adults, Samantha realized that the best way to have fun was with strict structure and rules. She had previously been wasting an astounding amount of free time studying, hanging out with friends, and developing hobbies. However, once she joined the sorority, she was instead able to participate in 6 four hour meetings a week with girls that she hates with a passion.

Despite being rejected from all 6 prestigious American schools she applied to, Samantha was happy that all of the sorority sisters had the exact same experience, and had even gotten rejected from the same 6 schools. Samantha insisted, “Greek life at McGill is exactly the same as it is on American campuses. No. it’s better!”, in an unprompted interview with our reporters. Despite her claims, however, a McGill Nightly survey found that three greek students living in the plateau were voted “Coolest Greek Life at McGill” by a wide margin.

The Nightly isn’t the only place Ms. Cunningham made headlines. Samantha made international headlines earlier this week, when her barrage of 800 instagram posts of her sorority’s photo shoot singlehandedly crashed instagram and Facebook for multiple hours.

At press time, first year Chad Johnson realized that instead of sexually assaulting people in a way that society frowned upon, he could just join a frat.

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