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The McGill (Nightly)

McGill's Second Least Trusted News Source

Freezing Rain Reveals Secret Stash of Student Tuition on Campus

April 9|Lots of views|
Fuck the friends we made along the way. I want my money back.
Fuck the friends we made along the way. I want my money back.

When a large branch fell on Lower Field during the ice storm on Wednesday, the last thing Arts student Ryan Johnson expected to find was hidden treasure.

"I was walking under the trees on purpose, hoping one would hit me," he said. "One had kind of dug into the ground and made a little hole. Something shiny was in there, and since I have no self-preservation instincts, I went over to look at it."

Buried in the ground were gallon-sized Ziploc bags full of gold, doubloons, and printed NFT purchase receipts, all labeled 'INT'L TUITION - LAUNDERED' in Sharpie. There were twenty-six bags in total, each containing roughly $25,000 worth of loot.

The discovery has called into question the administration's stewardship of student tuition, which everyone knew was mostly for the benefit of lining their own pockets.

"A little embezzlement and ear-marking is to be expected," said Laura Rodriguez, "But burying my money in the ground? Like a squirrel? Put it into a pizza shop that's only open one day a month but makes the best pizza you've ever had."

"This is a serious issue that, unfortunately, happens to be really common," said Andrea Hanes, a forensic accountant. "Institutions will charge thousands and thousands of dollars to attend, even though students will never see that money reinvested into the school. I am surprised McGill has gone for a pretty old-school method of hiding that money—most universities nowadays call it an endowment."

The Nightly reached out to the office of the Provost and, wonder of wonders, received an answer.

"We like to punish our students and staff for helping us become incredibly wealthy, but we're also really stupid," they said. "We didn't think that anybody would find it, since we've had trouble locating our own stashes in the past. We rely on construction projects to unearth them for us."

With international tuition rates ballooning alongside inflation and rent increases, there is the possibility that these 'lost' caches have been found and quietly redistributed to community members.

"Of course I kept a little," said Ryan. "How else am I going to pay for caf food?"

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