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The McGill (Nightly)

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SSMU Somehow Fucks Up Removing a Seemingly Universally Hated President

18/04/2022|So many views|
Students protest one of the most tyrannical leaders in McGill history, assuming any of the allegations are true.
Students protest one of the most tyrannical leaders in McGill history, assuming any of the allegations are true.

After a months-long private investigation returned zero evidence of wrongdoing, SSMU said "fuck it" and impeached president Vladimir Daryananovich regardless. In Monday's emergency GA meeting, students voted overwhelmingly to impeach President Daryananovich. SSMU then proceeded to penalize him with the most dreaded punishment they could think of: indefinite impeachment with pay.

After spending 25,000 dollars, or in McGill terms, one tenth of a McGill Daily (AND DELIT) annual budget, SSMU’s team of elite private investigators were unable to find any evidence of wrongdoing on Daryananovitch’s part. SSMU's investigators were clearly inspired by the organization's level of efficiency, and worked hard to match that efficiency with their investigation. However, on McGill Nightly’s zero-dollar budget, our investigation found 14 separate counts of inappropriate behaviour, simply by texting a few friends.

Students hated their President so much that despite their inability to attend a single one and a half hour lecture all semester, they were willing to sit through a four hour meeting just to ensure Daryananovich was impeached. Hatred coursed through students’ veins as they voted to impeach their president, vilifying the evil person they thought there was a small chance he might have been. Feelings of anger that night were only exacerbated by students who had never attended a SSMU meeting when they realized that the average SSMU meeting is five hours long, boring and pointless. However, the vote did mark an important achievement for SSMU, as it was only the second time in the organization's history that it had enacted something most of the student body agreed with.

In a bid to stay in power, Daryananovich posted a series of Tik-Toks explaining why he was being unfairly targeted. All 17 McGill students who actually saw the Tik-Toks hated them so much they immediately joined the GA to vote against him.

The most conclusive evidence in favour of Daryananovich came in the form of a 300-page dissertation anonymously published on Medium. The novel concluded with the signature “Not Vladimir” and in good SSMU fashion, took 400,000 words to say absolutely nothing. Needless to say, students believed none of it.

At press time, SSMU board members were all begging to be suspended indefinitely, with pay.

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