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The McGill Nightly

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LDT robs McGill of Glory by Selfishly Sitting Out of Super Bowl to Work in a Stupid Hospital

February 8|A ton of views|
McGill’s new official flag. Source: the backyard of Big Suze’s Aruba estate.
McGill’s new official flag. Source: the backyard of Big Suze’s Aruba estate.

Greatest football player of all time Laurent Duvernay-Tardif cost the McGill Chiefs a win in the Super Bowl Sunday night by selfishly sitting out in order to work in a stupid hospital, our sources confirmed. McGill administration members watched in horror as their dreams of a fundraising campaign focused on two-time Super Bowl champion LDT were shattered by a 43 year old who kisses his son on the lips. "Sure, it's nice of him to save lives, but what about his responsibility to save our 6 figure salaries? He didn’t get a Time magazine interview for nothing, you know” the esteemed McGill Principal said in a phone interview with our reporters.

Clearly unbothered by notions of "honouring your contract” or “being a good teammate”, LDT spent his Sunday evening aggressively administering CPR to potential COVID patients. Of course, Tom Brady would only perform CPR on someone if that someone was his son, and his son was wiggling his tongue around in little circles.

In an exclusive interview with the Nightly, LDT was remorseless about his self-centered move to leave his teammates hanging while he spent all year in the hospital. However, he expressed excitement for his return to the field next year, saying, "I'm just excited to get back to having my brain absolutely destroyed once a week. I can't wait to have my years of medical study and work slowly fade to irrelevance as my brain deteriorates from concussions and CTE. Also, these hospital patients are so bad at football. I tackled one of them once and now he’s on a respirator."

Without LDT on the field, Tom Brady was able to easily win the game, rejuvenating himself between plays by sucking the life force out of his son's mouth. In the press conference after the game, Tom Brady said, “I really couldn’t have done it without the help of my family,” between french kissing his wife and his son but mostly his son.

In the absence of reliable blocking from LDT, Patrick Mahomes left Super Bowl LV battered and bruised, but not as bruised as Tom Brady’s son’s neck, which was covered in hickies left by Tom Brady.

At press time, the Chiefs were named Super Bowl LVI champs in anticipation of LDT’s return.

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