McGill Admin Drops Fossil Fuel Investments, Replaces them with Fracking on Lower Field
Submitted by Thomas O'Callaghan-Brown
08/12/2019|A ton of views|
Lower Field at sunset. Source: Monsanto Corporation
The prestigious McGill administration, slightly confused about the meaning of divestment, ceased all funding of fossil fuel-based industries and have instead opted to spend the money on a fracking station in lower field. In an interview with The McGill Nightly, a spokesperson from the administration exclaimed, “We thought this was what you wanted! Can we not win with you people?” while simultaneously removing a plastic straw from their fur coat pocket and inserting it into their single-use plastic bottle of water.
Students who thought that finals were their biggest worry this week woke up to discover a tremor warning has been imposed upon McLennan Library. Despite this, people are still lining up at dawn to save seats in the library in order to call every person in their contact lists on the staircases.
McGill’s water is expected to be contaminated within a week due to the fracking. A member of the administration stated “We were hoping to blame the city council, since the lead levels in Montreal’s water are already comparable to that of Flint, Michigan. What more harm could a little fracking do?” Several students have already been hospitalised with lead poisoning. Unfortunately, the coroner's report was unable to determine if this was due to the water, or because the students had dined at the RVC Cafeteria.
In another effort to appease students and cease the relentless ‘Divest McGill’ complaints, the administration has built a massive mound of burning tires in place of Bishop Mountain Hall to provide heat to the upper residence residents. The SSMU promptly issued an enraged statement: “This is appalling behaviour from the McGill administration. We are disgusted to see a McGill body behave so irresponsibly. We would never behave with such disregard for the student body’s desires. This is the only recent scandal we should be angry about. Nothing else!”.
The situation has continued to deteriorate over the last few days. Protests broke out as Marty the Martlet’s limp body was found on lower field, soaked in oil. He was already declared ‘severely endangered’ by the Environmental Protection Agency, being the last of his once numerous species. With plans in place to start hunting the animals, and some of the students, of Mac campus, we must ask, when will the administration stop?