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New Rez Achieves Herd Immunity... from Chlamydia

September 27|Lots of views|

Students smile as they prepare to take part in a safe, healthy, 5 person orgy. Source: Ghislaine Maxwell’s Vacation Album

Students at New Residence Hall threw a 600 person orgy in celebration of the news that they had achieved herd immunity from chlamydia, sources confirmed on Wednesday. This breakthrough came after McGill modeled its groundbreaking approach to dealing with chlamydia off Stockholm University.

Early last week, New Residence Hall’s chlamydia levels were so high that the hall was placed under an orange alert, limiting orgies to six people instead of ten. The residence also implemented a new condom mandate, forcing students to wear condoms at all orgies. This mandate was met by a large anti-condom protest, where hundreds of itchy students gathered to defend their right to get sick and spread the plague.

However, not all students have felt the effect of this epidemic. Among the unaffected students were the residents of La Citadelle, being totally clueless as to how STDs were even transmitted. French students were also among the fortunate to not get the STD, as students stringently continued their century-long social distancing campaign from them. Unfortunately for them, they were all checked into the ICU later with a grave respiratory illness: lung cancer.

Our reporters reached out to the prestigious McGill Administration to inquire about the situation. When asked about the health and safety of students, they replied "The important thing is that we can charge them $10,000 a year to live here."

In other Rez news, a kid from Solin Hall showed early symptoms of the common flu. In a quick clean-up effort initiated by McGill, the building was levelled in a drone strike. Everyone else continued about their lives as normal.
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