Go light ☀️
🛒 (0)

The McGill Nightly

McGill's Second Least Trusted News Source

SSMU Solves Russia-Ukraine Conflict

February 28|Lots of views|
An exclusive look at the 18 hour meeting room where SSMU solved the entire conflict, and more importantly, decided to change the font size on all McGill building signs. SOURCE: One of the millions of students who attends SSMU meetings.
An exclusive look at the 18 hour meeting room where SSMU solved the entire conflict, and more importantly, decided to change the font size on all McGill building signs. SOURCE: One of the millions of students who attends SSMU meetings.

After months of infighting and uncharacteristically messy governing, SSMU has come together to solve the ongoing conflict between Russia and Ukraine. SSMU politics have been fraught with tension this year, but when the war in Ukraine started, the body realized it was uniquely positioned with an ability to bring peace. The body's combination of expertise in global affairs and strong and effective governance proved extremely valuable in bringing a peaceful resolution to the conflict.

SSMU president Vladimir Daryananovitch, who had just returned from a forced, paid 6 month vacation in the Bahamas, was proud to be able to solve the crisis so quickly. When asked for comment on how he accomplished such a feat, he simply credited his respectful treatment of women and non-abusive workplace practices.

VP Bureaucracy Jessica Jeniason explained further in an exclusive with the Nightly, "From my experience, the most effective way of handling a misbehaving leader is to put them on a suspension for 6 months for no explained reason and then sheepishly let them resume to rule once your investigation determined the only reason you suspended him in the first place was petty bullcrap."

SSMU’s competence in solving complex issues efficiently is well documented. For example, it only took them 7 short years to make a minor repair to their own building. In addition, their last 12 hour meeting ended in the changing of the McGill Wine Club’s logo, a clear sign of progress for the school. And not only were they able to successfully reprimand a tyrannical leader on their own with a legitimate and useful suspension, but they succeeded in shutting the Daily up for months, something no one else has even been able to do.

At press time, SSMU had announced an invasion of Concordia’s library.

More articles