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Student on Your Left in Fieldhouse Majoring in Coughing, Apparently

December 15, 2019|Lots of views|

What a disgusting use of a basketball court. Source: varsity basketball player failing his final.

The student sitting next to you in the fieldhouse was taking their final in COFF 450, or so it seemed. It was clearly not Intro to Coughing, COFF 100, as this was truly a seasoned veteran. The student spent half an hour perfecting the pitch and timbre of the cough until it was at the perfect focus-disrupting pitch. The student then coughed, wheezed, hacked, and sneezed his way through the exam, lowering the grades of 2,000 other students simultaneously.

COFF 450 probably had a downward grade curve, guessing by the amount of effort this student was putting into their coughs. The student’s scantron paper became wet with saliva and bacteria as the hacking continued, getting louder as the student emptied ounces of phlegm from his respiratory tract. The student had spent all semester perfectly healthy, sticking his head out the window the night before finals to maximize his coughing abilities, proving that cramming indeed can be an effective study method.

The invigilators failed a student halfway across the room for blatantly copying the coughing student’s technique. They had warned before the exam that coughing algorithms would detect coughs and match unusually similar coughs to pairs of students. The two coughers were promptly expelled for plagiarism, allowing the other 398 students in COFF 450 to pick up their slack by putting even more effort into their exams.

At press time, the student to your right was finishing their exam in Intro to Asking a Stupid Question Every Three Minutes.
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