Go light ☀️
🛒 (0)

The McGill (Nightly)

McGill's Second Least Trusted News Source

Wellness Hub Adopts "Racehorse Approach" as Solution to Strain on Services

March 17|So many views|
Seabiscuit never saw it coming and neither did those first years.
Seabiscuit never saw it coming and neither did those first years.

McGill's student health clinic has announced a radical new strategy to reduce the inadequacies of patient care: putting down anyone that shows up with an illness or injury.

"The benefit is twofold: It cuts down on expenses and deters other invalids from bothering us," said the Associate Director. "Our pilot program established that the cost of ammunition was sixty-five percent cheaper than actually treating patients' maladies. Wait times are down by seventy percent. We should have started shooting students earlier."

Though they are experiencing extraordinary success, not everything is off to the races.

"We initially had some concerns regarding the significant number of missing persons the Racehorse Approach generates," she continued, "As well as inquiries from panicked parents and the police. But since we've partnered with a glue factory and hired a mob lawyer to cover for us, those issues have become almost nonexistent."

While administration is happy with the numbers, healthcare providers are ecstatic that the approach positively impacts their morale.

"I was really into horses when I was a kid," said Danielle Hanes, RN. "If I had the choice between handling thoroughbreds and handling first years with mono, I'd choose the ponies every time. The inspiration we're taking from veterinary medicine makes my work much more enjoyable."

We were unable to find many students that had visited the Wellness Hub after the Racehorse Approach had been implemented. The one patient that agreed to talk to us told us that she'd run multiple timed laps in the Fieldhouse while a mixed group of professors, administrators, and fellow students placed bets on who'd be the first to go down.

"My experience was pretty bad," she said. "But it did treat my tendonitis, since I now have no tendons below the elbow in my left arm. It's a definite improvement over the previous system."

The Wellness Hub's next goal is to alleviate pressure on mental health services. They are eyeing up the Abusive Father Method, which is accomplished by hiring scary-sounding men to answer the phones and belittle patients calling for therapy appointments.

"Early reports say that call volume has decreased by thirty percent," said the Associate Director. "I think this is a new era for the Wellness Hub."

More articles